Peace

Peace.
What is peace?  A wildly unattainable creature?  Slippery as an eel, that you must chase if you ever have hope of acquiring it?  A warm blanket that settles over a person, comfortable and safe?  Is it quiet?  Is it loud?  Is it certain or questioning?
Peace.
It's confusing.
Some of you may remember many years ago (help I'm getting old) when I left the Bible school I'd attended for so long.  I had been there and had hated it for the past 2.5 years.  The first .5 years were okay.  But I'd never left.  Never even thought of it.
Then I reached my breaking point.
I was teetering on the edge of being a Christian and giving up.  I was freshly out of an unhealthy relationship.  And I felt...alone.
I desperately wanted to reach out to God, but I felt like he wasn't there, that he didn't care.
So many people.  So many opinions.
I had recently been told that I should not celebrate Christmas, as a Christian, for a whole list of reasons.  That I shouldn't celebrate Easter the way we do.  That I shouldn't eat pork.  That I should keep all of the laws of the Old Testament.
It pressed on me.  Squeezing my soul.  I felt trapped.  Panicked.  Like I wasn't good enough, all over again.  Never good enough, not even for my creator.
I'd always craved the love of a father, yet I'd grown up without it.  The only father I had as a child was God.  And I was always scared that he would grow tired of me and leave me.  Because that's what I've been to enough men in my life to make me afraid that's all I'd ever be.
And at that point.  That turning point.  The point of desperation.
I felt peace.
It was time to leave the Bible school.
I had the principal of the school tell me he wanted me to graduate from the right school.  I said I would be.  He told me that he and God were on the same page.  In my mind, I questioned which book they were each reading.
Had I stayed at that school, I would not be a Christian today.
Because had I stayed at that school, I would never have met my pastor's son.  I would have never gone to my church.  I would have never been baptized.  Even though he and I don't talk much now, he was an integral part of what brought me back to Jesus...and love.
Because I had peace about leaving.
Last year at my job (I am a paraprofessional I work with small children, and I adore them), the teacher I worked under and I had some personality clashes.  We just...didn't get along well aside from being adults who put aside our not getting alongs to work with the kids.
I got so frustrated that I decided I would leave the district and children that I adored, because I didn't enjoy having personality clashes with people I'm supposed to get along with and work well with.  So I decided I'd ask for a transfer at the end of the school year.
And we seemed to get along better.  Things were...peaceful.
So I decided I wanted to stay.
And things got rough again.
So I decided to ask for a transfer.
And things were peaceful.
Whenever I determined to transfer to a different district...I felt peace.
Peace is...an indicator.  It is an indicator of what is right and what you should do.  When you feel peace, when things fall into place, then you are doing what you should be doing.
Likewise, about a year ago, I decided to move out (man have I got some updating to do on this blog!).  And everything just...fell into place.  In a more beautiful way than I could have ever imagined.
I love living on my own.  I love having me and my cats all snuggly in a house that is probably a bit too large for us.  I love having friends and family over for dinner.  And I feel at peace in my home.
And now...I have more decisions on the horizon.  Decisions I've mulled over and prayed over, and been wildly confused over.  Things that have pecked at my brain, begging me to address them constantly.
So I decide.
Yes.
And the pecking stops.
So.  Is that it then?  Is my answer yes?  And now everything else will fall into place?
I don't know.
But do you know what I feel?
Peace.
~Katie 

13 Reasons Why

**possible trigger warning**
One of my favorite books, and now favorite Netflix shows...is 13 Reasons Why.  And I will never recommend it to someone.
13 Reasons Why is a story about a girl named Hannah Baker...who kills herself.  Why?  She leaves 7 cassette tapes, with 13 recorded sides, following the line of events that led her to believe she couldn't go on.
It started with small things...a jerk who told everyone he fingered her in the park.  A jerk who slipped his phone up her skirt and took pictures of her panties.  A girl who was her friend who turned on her, all because her boyfriend tried to make her jealous.
A list that suddenly drew attention to her butt (Best/Worst list, and she had "Best Butt").  A list that drew a guy to think he had the right to grope her butt in public.
She got a reputation she didn't deserve.  She was given a reputation as a slut.  As being easy.  She went on a date with someone, because she thought he would be nice, she thought she would be able to brush aside the things that were making her unhappy and depressed, but when, in the middle of the cafe, he started sliding his hand up her thigh...she told him no.  But he didn't stop.  People in that cafe knew what was going on...but they didn't try to stop it.
In all this...there was another person, who actually cared...but he couldn't help her.  He didn't know what was going on.  But he loved her.  And really, she loved him.  He did nothing wrong.  But he's on the list...he's on the tapes.  Because when he tried to love her...even though she wanted him to love her so bad...her mind attacked her...all she could think of was the things that had been done to her before...that's PTSD, by the way.  She felt like she was back in those traumatic events.  And she wanted him to know that it wasn't his fault.
She was hiding in a closet, and saw her former best friend being raped...and she wanted, and needed to help her, to rescue her...but she felt frozen.  That's also on the tapes.  Later she was raped as well.
Finally...she was ready to kill herself.
So, she took the tapes, and she recorded on six tapes.  Only six.  Twelve sides.  Then...she decided to reach out.  She decided to try.  That's important...she decided to try again.  But she knew she couldn't do it alone.  So she went to her school counselor.
She told him, in the only words she could bring herself to share, that she was raped.  She told him she wanted everything to end.  He told her he couldn't do anything, and then...she walked out.  She wanted him to follow her...she wanted him to make sure she would be okay.  But he didn't.  Like everyone else...he failed her.
At the end, she doesn't necessarily blame these people...but she wants to show them how their actions affected her...and how little actions led her to the point where she felt she couldn't go on.  She even apologized at the end.
And then she slit her wrists.  In the show...I couldn't watch that part.  I had to tab away from Netflix.  This is a hard show, a hard book.
13 Reasons Why shows how, so easily, your actions can impact someone.  For better or worse.  At the end of the book and show, Clay Jensen, the guy who loved Hannah, the one who had the tapes for the duration of the show and book, he extends his kindness and friendship to a girl he had avoided.
I think, in a way, the show captured the meaning more easily.  He'd known this girl.  He used to be friends with her.  Then...they just stopped talking.  It shows, slightly, some of the things that girl has done/gone through.  And at the end, he's shown making a difference.
This is one of my favorite stories.  And the Netflix show captured it so well.  The show didn't shy away from the darkness in the book...this story isn't about fictional characters, this is about real people!  Of course, yes, they're fictional, but this is one of the most real books, and most real shows, I have ever seen.
I will always recommend people to read/watch 13 Reasons Why, but I never will.  For me, it's an emotional rollercoaster and I don't want to risk recommending it to someone who couldn't handle it.
However, if you do decide to see it, please note, there is cussing, there are scenes when, like me, you may have to tab away.  I don't remember if there was cussing in the book, but I wouldn't be surprised.
I just finished the Netflix show...and I'm still kind of on an emotional...high/low/somethingoranother...and I wanted to share this.
~Katie

The Crazy Quest for a 2DS

Hi all!  I'm going to try to be making a blogpost at least once a week...I've tried that before, and it has failed.  I'm going to try again.
As most of you know, I'm a bit of a nerd, and a bit of a geek...more nerd than geek.  My boyfriend has slowly been "corrupting" me and turning me into more of a geek, which isn't a bad thing, I don't think.  I've been wanting a DS for awhile now, so that I could play the new Pokemon game (Pokemon Sun/Moon), that came out on my birthday, so I asked my stepdad if I could have a 2DS when our tax returns came in.
Unfortunately, life interfered with getting a DS for tax returns, in the form of bills...but then a wonderful thing happened last Wednesday.
I got a...check?  Yup, a check!  Apparently, and this was news to me, if you're going to college and don't use up all of your pell grant, you get a refund on it!  So, first came the responsible things...new front tires for Demacia (my Jeep, named after a city state in the game League of Legends), and new sneakers (oh my old ones were falling to pieces).  Next, came the fun, or not so needed things.  New sandals for my last prom (it's this Saturday, actually!  I'm going with Jacob), a DS, and Pokemon Sun.
Just one little problem.
Walmart didn't have a DS!!!  And there's no sense in getting a game I'm not going to be able to play, right?  Okay, so, checking the Walmart website and another Walmart says they have it.  Well, I have some money, so let's go to that Walmart and go out to eat!  I like treating my family.  But wait, no, we'd better call to be sure.  Nope.  No DS, 2 or 3 to be found.  Sorrows.
Okay, so call another Walmart.  Nope.  A Walmart several towns away.  Nope.  BestBuy?  Well, I wouldn't know, we never got to talk to a human.  Finally, another Walmart.  Nope, but try GameStop.
Alright, alright!  So, we called GameStop.  YUS!  A preowned 2DS!  Well, it's about an hour and a half away....
You know what, we're going anyway!  Besides, they said they'd hold it for me.  So, I quickly ran upstairs, grabbed two books and got in the vehicle, ready to go.

Great books, also check out Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by the same author (Jessica Day George)

It's a great trip, but by the time we get to the mall where the GameStop is located, I've really gotta go to the bathroom!  So, Mom and I scramble around in the mall, wondering why they've decided to put their restrooms in the most obscure place possible.  Finally we find the bathroom, and finally we're on the last leg of our journey.

Mom, Doug and I walk into the GameStop, and honestly, part of me is terrified they've forgotten to hold it for me and sold it, but nope!  We tell them why we're there, and he gets it out.

My 2DS, which does not have a name yet.

Oh, I'm so happy.  Then, he asks if I'm wanting any games.  Definitely!  I definitely want Pokemon Sun.  It came out on my birthday!!!  Plus it has Litten, and I love Litten.

I present Litten, the Fire Kitten

Well, the very nice guy asks if I'd like to take a look at some other games, because there's a deal on them...looking back, it wasn't a super good deal, but I had money, and I thought it would be nice to have games to play other than just my Pokemon game.  So, I picked out The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and Animal Crossing: New Leaf.  Apparently the Zelda game was just a case...I was sad.  But there was another Zelda game for the same price, so I got The Legend of Zelda: Tri-Force Heroes.

I'm sorry, I can't figure out how to rotate the picture

Well, my Animal Crossing game was the only one that would play!  Apparently I needed an SD card.  So, on the way home we stopped at Walmart to get an SD card.

This is where my SD card goes.  As you can see, my DS is blue!!!

I pick out my SD card, and since they have it, I also grab The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

So, my total of games looks like this:

My games.

Oh, by the way...guess what else that Walmart had?  ...a 2DS.

~Katie

When I "Grow Up"

When I grow up, I hope I remember what it felt like to be the child who wanted to play Clue, whose family didn't...who didn't get to play Clue.
When I grow up, I hope I remember what it felt like to feel like the odd child at church that no one really wanted to play with.
When I grow up, I hope I remember how I felt when the "big kid" took an interest in me, and played with me, and mentored me.
When I grow up, I hope I remember that I didn't go to college either, and how I felt when almost everyone acted like it was a terrible decision.
When I grow up, I hope I remember how I felt about people making fun of my driving, just because I was a young driver...sure, it's just teasing...but I still hated it.
When I grow up, I hope I remember not to dismiss someone's thoughts about something, just because they're a child.
When I grow up, I hope I'm the type of adult who takes time to truly listen to each child.
When I grow up, I hope I have the kind of home that the neighborhood kids feel comfortable coming to and hanging out.
When I grow up, I hope I remember what it was like to be a child.
~Katie

Beauty and the Beast

Alright, so Beauty and the Beast has become a pretty hot topic lately.  LeFou (which means The Fool) is gay and "One day wants to be Gaston, and the other day wants to be with Gaston."
I have several topics to address.
To begin with: Neither Gaston, nor LeFou were in the original book...and personally, I prefer the book to start with.  First off, The Beast was not a selfish child like it shows in the movie, he was a young prince, whose mother enlisted the aid of a fairy/witch to win a war, promising her son in marriage...once the war was one, the mother pulled a Judah (from the Bible, somewhere in Genesis) and refused to allow her son to marry the fairy/witch, so her son was cursed.  Beauty had two mean sisters and her father was a merchant.  He became poor on a journey, after his ships crashed, and he was only able to bring the thing one of his daughters requested...Beauty's rose.  He was imprisoned by the Beast, told he could go home and tell his daughters goodbye or trade with one.  Beauty insisted on going in the place of her father and the Beast treated her very well.
Back on the movie...even in the original animated movie, LeFou is, if not gay, definitely very effeminate.  He practically worships Gaston...which, for those who are so outraged about him being gay...isn't idolatry also a sin?
I know what the Bible says about homosexual sex.  I also know that it only mentions sex.  I'd also like to say that if someone is straight, even if they don't actively seek out relationships, or sexual relations, they are still straight.  Therefore, applying that logic...if someone is gay/lesbian/bi, and they do not actively seek out relations of any type...they are still gay/lesbian/bi.  I'm just going to say that.
Like one of my Facebook friends pointed out in a status...Gaston and LeFou are bad guys...and again...LeFou means "The Fool".  Is this complimentary in any way toward the LGBT community? I personally wouldn't find it complimentary, to be honest.
Another thing...to those who are concerned about your children being influenced by this...I'd like to point out that there are gay people in the world.  Your child will very likely encounter more than one gay person in their lifetime.  Do you want them to be influenced first where you can influence them, or when they're out from under your protection?  And I'm sorry, but overprotecting your child will not help them in the "real world".  You will be setting your child up for mocking, ignorance, and possibly even danger, because you've never allowed them out, while still under your protection, to learn.
I didn't have huge plans to go see this movie...I was planning to see it eventually, like with the Cinderella movie, but most movies don't make me feel like watching them in theaters.  My plans haven't changed.
I feel like sometimes people, especially people in the Christian community, forget that these people are people too.  Is it any wonder that people don't come to the Christian community, when what they see is people calling them disgusting, and an abomination?  They are not an abomination and they are not disgusting.  They are not their sin/temptation/whateveryouwannacallit.  They are a human.  A human with feelings.  A human with their own struggles and temptations.  A human with a soul.
If you're reading this...you have your own struggles and temptations.  Are you tempted to overeat and be a glutton?  Gluttony is a sin...and you can get away with it, because it's an "okay" sin.  Do you act upon it?  Or are you just tempted?  Are you a disgusting abomination?  You are not.
Jesus spoke to the woman at the well.  A Samaritan...probably a prostitute...and he didn't call her disgusting.  He didn't say she was an abomination.  Amazing.
Jesus said that the second greatest commandment was to love your neighbor as yourself.  And Paul said that without love, a person is just a clanging of brass.  Out of faith, hope and love...love is the greatest.  I am not the best person in the world.  I don't make the best choices sometimes.  However, I've made a choice:
I will, to the best of my ability, love and show love to everyone I meet.  It shouldn't matter who or what they are.  It shouldn't matter what they have done.  I will love them.  And as our friendship goes on, maybe I can lead them to Christ...and then he can worry about the convicting.
Also, last I checked, the names Christians were calling members of the LGBT community were not loving at all....
I know this was kind of long, and I know it was kind of rambly.  If you got this far, thank you.
~Katie

How Should I Feel?

Just to be clear, I'm not asking my readers to tell me how I should feel, I know, in a way, how I feel, and being told how to feel never helps me at all, because it just makes me want to buck against what I'm being told I should or have to do.
I have a friend on Facebook who I know has lived with a parent who has treated them unfairly.  This parent has said things to me that I don't think were called for.  I have been told, by this person's parent, in a very "righteous tone" that a woman wearing her hair down (in other words, not in a bun) is a harlot.  This person has lived with that and who knows what for their entire life.
Obviously I haven't lived this person's life, but I know enough about their life to know that there have been things in this person's life, maybe even caused by said parent that have, well, to put it bluntly, screwed with them.  I don't know how else to put it.
Messing with someone: That's teasing, maybe a few minor mind games.
Screwing with someone: That's a more painful, thing that isn't easily recovered from.  There is a difference, and while I know some people dislike the term "screwed up" or "screwed with" this is to explain the way my mind sees the difference.
Facebook (I'm still on the same topic, by the way) is a great place.  You can vent, you can talk badly about people, you can talk nicely about people, you can show off your baby, your cat, your boyfriend, so much stuff!!!  But Facebook isn't a therapist, or certified mental health personnel.
I don't know how exactly to say what I'm feeling, deep down in my heart when I see this person post something about how that parent makes them feel, then see people instantly jumping at them for "disrespecting" their parent.  I don't know whether it's disrespect or not.  I don't know what this person was thinking/feeling when they made their post.  And neither does anyone who commented.
To me, reading the post, and the comments that transpired reminded me of when I was in a relationship with a guy who was great at first, but then gradually became...not great.  One minute, I would be angry with him!  SO ANGRY!  But then the next, I'd wonder why I was so mad at him to begin with.
Furthermore, seeing the way this person's parent has treated them, and hearing other things this parent has done/said...I don't think the parent is as righteous as they think.  Fathers are told not to provoke their children to wrath.  I think that also applies to mothers.  Jacob, in the Bible, could have saved himself a lot of trouble had he not listened to his mother.
I'm not sure that this person should have posted the way they did on Facebook, but even if they do/did have problem with disrespect, isn't it good that they're aware of it?  Instead of jumping at them about how they should respect their parent, why not ask why they feel that way?  Sure, yes, mention respect, after all, that is in the Bible, and it is something that a decent human should live by, but the Bible also says that open rebuke is better than secret love (Proverbs 27:5)...does that mean that a person should say when they take issue with someone or something?
When I see these posts on Facebook, I want to help this person, but I don't know how...and I want to defend them...but I don't know how to do that either.  Again, I don't know the attitude they had when they made those posts, and neither does anyone else who read them.
Maybe someday I'll know what I'm supposed to do, and how I'm supposed to feel, but in the meantime, I will be right here, in my little corner, trying my best to shine as much light as I can, and show as much love as I can.  If someone needs convicted, unless I feel like God is telling me to say something, I think I'll just leave that up to him, and in the meantime, I have arms for giving hugs, ears for listening, and a mouth for attempting advice when necessary.
~Katie

I Have Been Failed

I have been failed.
I have been failed by churches, and Christians, and "Christians".  Yes, there's a difference between those last two.
I have been failed by the church that says I have to wear skirts below my knees, long sleeves, panty-hose, hair up, no make-up, no jewelry, no nail polish.
I have been failed by the church people who tell me that my depression and anxiety is because I'm not close enough to God.
I have been failed by the "Christians" who color people's opinions of me by their spewed hatred everywhere.
I have been failed by the Christians who refused to pray for a specific request, because they didn't think I needed what I was praying for.
I have been failed by the pastor who interrupts before I can finish my point.
I have been failed by the Christians who tell me that Harry Potter is satanic, while Narnia and Lord of the Rings is perfectly fine (I love all three, mostly Narnia and Harry Potter).
I have been failed by the Christians who tell me Pokemon is demonic.
I have been failed by the Christians who have made me feel like I had to be trapped in their box, and in their personal convictions in order to be a Christian.
I've been failed by church people who somehow, though never involved, know personal details of my life, that they have no need to know.
I have been failed.
I'm not being melodramatic, or mistaking the things that have happened in my life.  I have, indeed, been failed.
But...I've failed people too.
I've failed when I haven't been the respectful Christian I should be.
I've failed when I haven't obeyed my mother.
I've failed by my sins as well.
Do you who hasn't failed me, even though I've failed him?
God.
Christians fail me, churches fail me "Christians" fail me...and I fail all of them too...but God hasn't failed me.  And even in a world where I'm being failed by people I shouldn't be failed by, and in a world where even I mess up, and fail...it's good to know that God won't fail me.
~Katie

The Cave

TRIGGER WARNING: deals with depression and anxiety.

Having depression is like taking a long walk through a cave, and you don't have the map, you don't know where you're going or where the end is, and while you may have a vague idea how you got into the cave, you definitely don't know how to go back to the entrance and leave that way.  And if you do know how to get back to the entrance, a lot of the time, it's blocked and you still can't get out.
Most of the time you're alone, because not everyone goes walking in a cave.  Sometimes you may have a friend on the other side of the wall, but neither one of you can pass through the wall, or even if there's an opening to get to them, you may not realize they're there, or they may not realize you're there.
Your friends and family call you sometimes, but they don't always realize that you're lost in a cave, because you're so good at acting like you're perfectly fine, and know exactly where you are.  When they do know you're in the cave, sometimes they say things like, "Well, just get out of the cave, silly!" or, "You do have a choice whether you're in the cave or not, you know."  Sometimes they manage to be really helpful, and say things like, "I understand that you can't get out...if there's a way I can help you get out, let me know."
Sometimes the helpful friends and family can do things like read you written instructions for a map, or even send you a picture of part of the map, so you at least have a better idea of where you're going, and you don't hit so many dead ends.  Sometimes, if they can find a hole in the roof of the cave, that isn't quite big enough for anyone to fit through, they can still drop you nice things, like chocolate, to make you feel better.  They can talk to you, so you don't feel so alone.
But, eventually, your friends and family have to do their own things, so they hang up.  Or you come across a dead spot in the cave, and the call drops, and you can't send texts.  Sometimes you're so scared of never getting out of the cave that you don't even answer calls, because you think it would be better if your friends and family forgot you and learned to live without you before you die in the cave...or because you're scared of them leaving you, so you do the leaving first.
Remember how you're alone?  Well, sometimes you aren't.  Sometimes you have a little friend that joins you.  Anxiety.  You'd think that having company would make your journey easier, but when your company is Anxiety, you would much rather be alone.
He insists on riding on your back, instead of walking, because when he's on your back, he's closer to whisper in your ear things like, "You're an idiot.  It's your fault you're in this cave.  Your family hates you.  Your friends don't really like you.  Your boyfriend/girlfriend is going to break up with you.  The reason why your cat doesn't like to cuddle is because it hates you too.  If you say that people are going to think you're stupid, even if you're just sending it over a text.  If you tell your family that you're lost in a cave, they're going to hate you even more.  You'd better not touch that, because it might hurt you.  Remember that thing you did forever ago?  No?  Well, I do, and I'm going to remind you, so you can feel bad about it all over again.  Are you really so sure your friend forgave you all those years ago?  There's a person behind you and they want to kidnap you and rape you and kill you."
Sometimes, when you're really lucky, there's a big hole in the roof of the cave, and you can actually see light, and you're reminded that there's a world beyond your cave, and that you can get there, even if you can't get there now, because the walls are too steep!  And sometimes, when you're even more lucky, Anxiety drops off of your back and runs to hide in the shadows until later, but other times he stays and whispers things, casting clouds over the joy of the sunlight.
Then...at various points through your journey through the cave, there are stops.  At these stops, there's a forked road.  One of them, you know will kill you.  And...sometimes...you can't remember what the light looks like...how the sun feels...all you can think about is ending your pain.  Or sometimes...you honestly think your family and friends would be better off without you.  You drag them down.  You're always going to them with your problems, and you don't want to burden them.  Oh, how you long to take the path of death.  The path of relief.
But you don't.
You don't.
For whatever reason, you don't.
You think of your cat.  Who will feed him?
You think of your family.  What if they do need you?
You think of your friends.  What if they need you too?
You think of noble things.
Or maybe...maybe you just get scared.
But whatever the reason, you don't let yourself die.
You continue your miserable journey.
And see, the thing is...no one can just...pull you out of the cave.  You have to find the exit yourself.  Of course, phone calls from friends and family may help.  Even meds may help.  Praying may help.  But...you're still in the cave, even if there's a hole in the roof.
And sometimes...even if you do manage to find your way out of the cave for a bit, and walk and talk with your friends and family...and...well...actually enjoy yourself...the cave has a way of sneaking up on you, as if it's a living creature, and swallowing you down, even if you fight.
And...Anxiety doesn't always leave when you come out of the cave...in fact, Anxiety might cling to you for longer than you ever spent in the cave!  I mean...Anxiety hangs out with me more than I'm in the cave, so he could do that to you too.
But, even while you're in that cave, there's something that you need to remember...or at least try your hardest, because I know first-hand that it's really hard to remember this: There IS someone who loves you, and there ARE people who care, and even though it's hard and miserable and you may never truly leave that cave, you WILL be okay.
~Katie

My...Testimony?

"My Testimony" feels like such a...generic title...so I didn't really want to use it, but...well...as you can see, I did.  If you're wondering...I guess this will pretty much be telling about my journey to/through salvation.
I grew up in a single parent Christian home, with a mother that worked her butt off to make sure I had everything I needed, and a good deal of what I wanted (I still don't have a giraffe, but that's okay, I'm not dead yet).  I've been going to church since before I was born, and don't know a time when I didn't know the name "Jesus", and not as a cuss word.
When I was little, I knew that you were supposed to ask Jesus into your heart, so when I was probably about three or four, I knelt down at my little toy box and prayed that God would save me, and as far as I was concerned, that was that.
Since I was homeschooled, reading my Bible was part of my curriculum, but I didn't really pray a lot, unless I needed something.  I'm not sure that I was really old enough to understand the gravity of salvation, and had only prayed at my toy box because that's what I knew I was supposed to do.
The denomination that I grew up attending is a very legalistic denomination.  Women are expected to wear skirts below their knees, their hair up in a bun, or other similar updo, the legs should always be covered, even if it's only by panty-hose.  No make up.  No jewelry.  Sleeves below the elbows are best.  Closed toe shoes are also the best.
Granted, some of the best people and the greatest prayer warriors I know come from that denomination, yet at the same time, some of the worst "Christians" I've ever met have come from that denomination.  I've been witness to several of them bashing Pokemon, without actually learning anything about it, outside of what articles they find that already coincide with their own thinking (totally other rant).  I've also been given dirty looks just for wearing my TARDIS dress...so....  However, like I said before, also some of the best people I've ever met have attended churches in that denomination.
When I was younger, I was pretty strong in my faith, I think.  I wasn't always doubting.  But the older I got, the more I questioned, which, I suppose is natural enough.
As I've mentioned before, my dad has never been around, and I honestly doubt that he wanted or loved me a lot of the time.  I could be wrong, but...who knows.  If my earthly father wasn't around and didn't want or love me, why on earth would my HEAVENLY father, who knows better want or love me?
I am a bit of a people pleaser.  I like to make people happy.  I hate it when people are mad or upset with me.  As such, I'm always worried about whether or not people are mad at me, and yes, I've often been terrified of not being good enough for God, despite this being a salvation through faith, rather than works.  I knew that works went along with faith, and I was always worried I wasn't doing enough.
I believe it was...two...Christmases ago, one of my uncles had somehow found some people on YouTube, who came up with reasons why modern Christians should be following the Old Testament laws as well.  That was the catalyst.
I struggled enough before.  How could I do anything now?  I was overwhelmed.  I didn't know all the laws...I still don't.  I love bacon!  Which, I mean, of course, bacon is nothing compared to the grand scheme of things...but...still...bacon.  Of course, that wasn't the biggest thing, it was just...I was paralyzed.  Spiritually paralyzed.
I struggled between trying hard to follow the Old Testament laws, and just giving up.  Then roughly a year later...I say roughly, because I honestly can't remember...I got a boyfriend.  That's great, right?  Not really.  It became an abusive relationship, and while I knew that God wanted us to break up, and I knew I needed out, but again, I felt paralyzed, and I had no idea how to get out...I just didn't.
I didn't read my Bible on a regular basis (and was only able to get back into it because of Bible reading plans on my Bible app), I rarely prayed...I just...I didn't know anymore.
I was also going to a Christian school at the time, and it wasn't good for me.  I was working at the daycare just down the street, and my hours had been cut to oblivion after the director I first started working under retired.  I went from working from out of school to close every night to working one night...if I were lucky.
One day I just...I guess I just knew.  I had given up and there was no point in trying.  I think it was around April.  I couldn't go to anyone for help.  I didn't even know how to formulate what was wrong and put it into words.
Sometime during that, I also felt like it was okay to leave that school.  Because of issues with administration Doug, my stepdad, had been trying to get me to quit and go to the public school down the street for half of forever, but each time I felt like I needed to stay.  So I stayed.  But I felt like I could leave now, and be okay.  So I did.
Of course, like I mentioned in previous blog posts, the principal kept trying to get me to stay...and boy am I glad I didn't.  He told me that he wanted me to graduate from the right school...and I'm very glad that he felt that way, and I'm sure he prayed that I would graduate from the right school (thinking it was his, undoubtably) and I can tell you now...I DID!!!
Then my boyfriend broke up with me right before a church camp we were both going to.  I went until Thursday night without breaking down and crying...but then I just broke down.  Jacob was and is what held me together during that entire thing.
This entire time, I didn't feel like God would want me back or love me or anything like that, but I did try some.  I kind of read the Bible every once in awhile, not as regularly (every night) as I once had...but...still.  I remember going to camp meeting and being so angry when someone told about Aaron and...someone else holding up Moses' arms when he couldn't anymore...because the times when I cried out for help against my depression I was always met with a blow off answer "Just trust Jesus", and I felt like no one was actually going to do something to help me.
August 6, 2015--Thursday
Exodus 17:8-13.  These people physically aided their comrade."
I wrote that very angrily.
I was scared and nervous to start at my new school, because I didn't know anyone.  In art class, there was a boy named Alex.  I was drawn to him and initially thought I might have a crush on him, because you know, when you're drawn to someone, that's usually why.
He was quiet, but seemed kind.  One day during a free period during choir, Alex, a guy named Dakota, and myself were talking about churches, and Alex mentioned where he went to church.  My family and I had tried to go once, but no one was there, and I told him that.  He couldn't figure out why, but oh well.
Then came the musical.  Oh, I loved that musical...I still love it, to be honest with you.  Kinda miss it....  Alex was playing in the band pit...and it was near the last weeks of practicing.  I was really irritated, because practice was on a Sunday, and on Sunday nights we nearly always went to my grandparents'...I had put down on the conflicts sheet that I couldn't do practice on Sundays, and here we were having a practice on Sundays.
Mom and Doug had gone to one church that had church on Sunday night, and once practice was over, I thought, "Hmm, I could go to Alex's church."  So I went.  I had a longer conversation with his dad that night, than I had had with Alex the entire time I had classes with him.  Alex and I have since had longer conversations, including some where I have thrown things at him (he deserved it).
I liked the people there, so as soon as the musical was over, I started going to their church on Wednesday nights.  The longer I went, the more I wanted to start going on Sundays too...but I felt held back by the other church I'd been attending with my family.  But we wound up switching churches, and they went to one church and I now go to this church, and have been for almost a year now.
In Wednesday church one night, a question was asked about if you died right now, would you go to heaven, and Josh (the leader) looked at me and asked and I looked him point blank in the eye and said, "I don't know."  He was shocked, because, as he says, I know my Bible well.  Which, I don't know it perfectly or anything, but I do have an odd memory for little tidbits of things, which makes debates and arguments quite nice.
I don't remember quite what all transpired, but we talked a lot, and Josh asked me to come over to his house to talk with him and his wife, and I kind of got hung up on the whole baptism thing.  I covered a lot of that in my post about my baptism.  The church I had attended when I was young didn't do baptism...or communion.
I decided to get baptized.  And...well, you can find all that here.
And...I don't know...some people say that you don't have to be baptized to be saved...and maybe you don't, I guess that that's something you'll have to work out yourself with fear and trembling, but I've never felt so confident in my salvation than I have the past six months.
Doug's even said that he's noticed a change in me in the past six months.  I mean, I'm still me...and I guess that's something that I and others need to realize.  You change...but you don't change.  You still have the same interests...you're just more aware of when your interests don't align with God's...and you can like what you liked before you were saved...but still be a Christian (with some exceptions).
And I'm sure I've mentioned before about actually understanding God's love more now, in my relationship with Jacob.  We have the most intimate relationship I have ever been in...even in my friendships.  I hold very very little back from him.  I can talk about anything with him.
Ever since camp meeting this August...I guess this month...I've kind of felt like I should share my testimony on my blog, so here it is, in its...novel like...glory?
Seriously, if you guys keep up with my insanely long blog posts, you're awesome.
~Katie

I Got Irritated Again.

Okay, so I am very tired of seeing people that I respect do things that make me lose a bit of respect for them...especially when they take what one person writes in an article, and decides that it's the truth...because it already fits their own idea.

Yes, this involves Pokemon again.

Someone from one of my churches posted this article saying "for your info".  For one, this is a rather outdated post!  There are a TON more pokemon and pokemon types now.  For two...  *groans*  it has picked something that it already deems as "evil" and is looking for ways to support its agenda.  You can do that with anything.  Literally anything.  Wanna know how I know?  Well, I took one of my favorite book series of all times (The Chronicles of Narnia), and picked apart the first CHRONOLOGICAL book.  By that, I mean The Magician's Nephew.  Again, I said chronological, not first written.  Oh, it's satanic and occultic!

This is what I said:

"By this logic, The Chronicles of Narnia, a book series written by C.S. Lewis, and a movie series made by Disney (not as good as the books) is evil and should not be read.

Narnia is a series revolving mainly around four siblings, Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, their cousin Eustace and his friend Jill, and a professor named Digory, and his friend Polly.

In the first chronological book, The Magician's Nephew, it starts off right away with a boy who has a very off the wall uncle. His uncle has "magic" rings (oh no, the occult), that can transport a person from realm to realm. He forces Digory and Polly (whom Digory finds while crawling through the attic, if I remember, something else children should not be encouraged to do) to wear these rings and go to a different world.

They go to this world, and there's a bell there, when they ring it all these stone people come to life. This must be magic. Again, the occult, obviously.

I recall that there was a forest, with different puddles, and basically, the puddles transport to and from these places. They go into another puddle and they're transported to a new "world" that is just being made, by a singing lion.

The lion sings and stuff happens. Talking animals and everything. Okay, that's so not cool, that's obviously occultish magic and will give children the idea that God isn't actually God, but some singing lion, especially as the author of these books never once mentions God in this series.

Later on, when Digory and Polly are back in England, they've accidentally taken some evil witch (yes, witch, okay, they aren't even trying to hide that she's a witch, obviously involved in the occult!) with them. She breaks a lamppost and when they get back to this new "world" which has been named Narnia, she throws it into the ground and it grows into a regular sized lamppost, complete with a lamp with fire in it and everything. Again, occultic magic.

I don't fully remember the entire book, as I haven't read it in a long time, but I do remember that a cab driver and his horse Strawberry are brought to Narnia as well. Aslan wants him to stay and he even gets the man's wife there as well! That's so wrong! Just displacing a person from where they've grown.

Digory, the book's main protagonist even steals an apple to "heal his ailing mother", as if a "magical" apple can do that! Then his mother is miraculously healed. Okay, what? Obviously occultic stuff right there.

Oh and what's worse? He plants the remains of that apple and if I remember correctly, the tree grew overnight. That doesn't happen. That is not something we want our kids to think can happen.

Later, he cuts the tree down and builds a wardrobe out of it, which later, in the book The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, transports the four siblings mentioned before to Narnia.

There are seven books in this series, and I could pick them all apart for you like this man does, to prove why they are leading children into the occult and that they should not be read or partaken in at all, but that would take up too much room here.

Other books basically embrace the idea that a lion (Aslan) can save people from dying, or transport people do different lands or his "kingdom". He died in one of the books and was brought back to life. I don't see how anyone could allow their child to read these books or watch the movies.

In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (witch is in the title, why would anyone think that that's appropriate?) there is a witch (big shocker) who turns the entire country into ice using her sorcery...and good Christian people let their children read these books and watch these movies.

And the worst part of this entire thing is that there are Christians all over the world who believe that The Chronicles of Narnia is something good for their children! This author also wrote a book called The Screwtape letters, targeted at adults, where a demon is trying to control a man, and ultimately end him in hell. I mean, that's satanic right there! Why on earth would anyone want to read a book that all but romanticizes satanic things like that?

.

.

.

Do you see how absurd that is? Because...um...that article used the exact same logic I did. ANYTHING, literally ANYTHING could lead a person to the occult. I've been watching Pokemon, learning about Pokemon, even playing some Pokemon games...and...I'm probably further away from the occult than I have ever been. Not because of the movies/books/games I partake in, but because of my relationship with Jesus Christ and God.

Again ANYTHING could be found to be Satanic or Occultic....

And what really bothers me is people just reading articles like this and believing them. They don't even try to go out and learn about it other than people who already share the same opinion. Just because someone says it's true, doesn't mean it actually is. I mean, seriously, go look at all the articles and websites promoting abortion!

Oh, and about the evolutions they're talking about...it's basically growing up. Most pokemon have three stages and it's basically baby>teen>adult.

ACTUALLY, one of the pokemon is a caterpillar called caterpie. He evolves into a butterfly. He goes from Caterpie the catterpillar, to Metapod the cocoon, to Butterfree (I think I spelled that right) the butterfly. It just goes through the stages of metamorphosis."

So...yeah.  Like I said there...you can find the occult in anything if you want to.  You can find the evil in anything if you want to.  And the thing is, maybe you have a personal conviction against something.  I know a woman who has a personal conviction against chewing gum.  BUT she doesn't tell others they can't chew gum, and she even keeps gum in her purse for others if they want some.

If it's YOUR personal conviction, don't force it on OTHERS.

Annoyed, ranting human out,

~Katie

The Quest for a Career

Well...I've been kind of busy this week!  Near the end of last week, I made a schedule for myself, telling me which room to clean, which days to wash windows (which I need to start doing), which days to sweep, etc, etc...also which day to blog.  I need to blog more often and I figured having a set day to do so (and having it written down) might help me a bit!
I've been doing art a lot lately.  Both makeup art, and digital art (as well as paper written art, although I have no scanner, so can't share it...sorry!).

First off, this lovely lady is UnnamedLegend (Emily) from Flight Rising.  She's one of my dragons, and I did what I believe is called a "gjinka" of her.  (when you draw an animal as a human)

This isn't art, but Poro was so adorable that I just had to share him.  I had been gone for several days and he missed me, so he crawled up on my comfy chair and hugged my foot.

Black and white version of my makeup.  Not quite as pretty, but still pretty enough

I thought I had more pictures of my makeup, but apparently not.  I really want to get really good at my makeup, so I can do those fancy makeup designs that other people do.  I have a really good idea for a gargoyle look.

Meet Volt.  Volt is a dragon (duh).  This species of dragon is called a "spiral" dragon.  They are...well...basically noodles, which is why people call them noodles!  One of the things they're said to do when they get bored is...well...tie themselves into knots.  That's him tied into a knot.

This is Volt himself.  If you click on him, it'll take you straight to his page!  And if you scroll down, you can even read the lore I wrote for him!

So...other things I've been up to?  Why has this week been busy?  Well, yesterday, I woke up, and I had a missed call from a number that I didn't recognize.  I googled it and it was from Wichita.  I was hesitant, but I called, because I've been sticking out job applications left and right, and, lo and behold, the person calling works for a company out of Wichita, but were in a town just thirty minutes away.  And...he wanted me to come in for a job interview at 2:45!

I panicked (sort of), and quickly cleaned myself up, got dressed, made sure I was all dressy and stuff, almost as if it was for church.  But not quite.  I actually can't remember what I wore right now.  Oh.  I remember my shirt.  But I can't remember my skirt.  This is gonna bother me now.

Anyway, I showed up for the interview and I think it went well.  I was told that I would know by today or tomorrow.

BUT

Today I woke up, and almost immediately I got a phone call from, again, a number I didn't recognize.  Turns out, it was the Casey's just two blocks down.  They wanted me to come in for a job interview at 11:15.  So, again, I hurriedly got all nicely dressed and went in for an interview.

We're in the back room, doing the interview.  She's asking me the standard interview questions (oh my goodness, so many, and they're so confusing...like, one wrong answer, or the right answer phrased wrong and yikes).  I was kind of caught of guard when she asked me why she should hire me over everyone else.  I suppose this would be a good place to use the phrase, "a pregnant pause".  I'm pretty sure my entire face just went blank.

I always have problems with job interviews and questions about yourself.  I mean...there is a fine line between selling yourself and...um...selling yourself, if you know what I mean.  I mean, honestly, you want them to think you know your strengths, but you don't want them to think that you think you're the only one in the world with your strengths in that magnitude.

Anyway.  A nice job interview.  She told me that she'd call me later today to let me know.

Roughly an hour ago, I got a phone call.  It was the lady from Casey's.

And guess what.

The blog you are now reading, is officially run by a Casey's employee!

I go in tomorrow for training.  I'm so excited!  Nah, not my favorite job in the world, because it's not daycare or teaching, or something with little people, but I know I'll like it better than fast food.  I've been praying for a decent paying job that I'll enjoy.  Considering that the babysitting jobs God's given me have been enjoyable, I doubt he'll fail me on the enjoyable part now.

So.

Signing off from a small town in Kansas...your newest Casey's employee!

~Katie

Rant and "Revelation"

Hi!  Okay, so I have a rant and a revelation, hence the title of this post.  I've gotten much better at naming posts since I had my first blog at 11-12ish...much, much, MUCH better.  Even since I first had this blog.  No, seriously, go look at old blog post names....
Well, to start with...I'm going to rant, that way you have a maybe treat at the end of this.  And this rant may leak into SEVERAL rants.
First off.  What's wrong with Pokemon Go?  I see so many people posting about how people playing Pokemon Go need to "Go" out and get a job.  I also know several people who play Pokemon go who DO have jobs and DO separate their Pokemon life from their Work life AND their personal life.
Also, I'm not aware if this is common knowledge, but people have been playing video games since...at least the 80s, I believe...and to my knowledge this is one of the few video games that require a person to leave their house to get far in it.  MOST video games, you have to PAY money to get far in it.
For those of you who don't know, Pokemon Go is a Pokemon game made by Niantic (not Nintendo), that requires you to leave your house to catch Pokemon, rather than travel in-game, but not in real-life, you travel in real-life to travel in-game.
There are places called Pokestops, and you have to go to them to pick up Pokeballs, and other things (I don't fully understand), and also Pokegyms, which I don't really understand either.  I've never actually played a Pokemon game other than Pokemon Showdown, although I would like to.  A lot of these Pokestops and gyms are at churches...which...yes...means people are going to those churches!  In fact, a lot of churches have been using this as outreach.
There are also people that I've seen on my friendslist on Facebook inviting others to go on road trips to different towns with them, to look for Pokemon!  I mean, that's great!  Actually getting out and about!  Spending time with people!  Talking about something (even if all it is is Pokemon, that's SOMETHING)!
From talking to one of my friends who plays the game, she struggles with depression and anxiety, and this has been great for her!  Yes, she still struggles with depression, but she said that it's lifted her overall mood, and I know she isn't alone.
For a person who may struggle with social anxiety, and talking with others, especially strangers, this is fantastic.  You see another person playing Pokemon Go?  You actually have something to talk about, rather than struggling through small talk.  It's like seeing someone read your favorite book, or wearing a shirt from a TV show or movie you like...you might say something to them, when you never would have spoken to them before.
But I still see people posting things about how people playing Pokemon Go, especially adults that play, should stop playing the video games, and go get a job.  I don't see people doing that with Candy Crush, or Minecraft, or Undertale, or League of Legends, or really any game...other than, oddly enough, the game that has people actually doing something.  And that frustrates me!
Okay.  Now that was the rant.  Time for a mini rant and the revelation.
Marriage and college.  I often hear people saying not to rush into marriage, but if you decide to take a year off of college, you are rarely encouraged, but rather told that you should go immediately into college!  Even if you don't know what you want to major in, or minor in, and really just want to take a year or two off, work a bit, then go back.  What's up with that?  I mean, neither should be taken lightly, but why rush someone into college when they aren't ready, while discouraging someone from marriage when they are ready, or when they haven't even said they're getting married super soon?
Okay, mini rant over.
I've figured out my minor!  As most of you know (this isn't bear college I'm talking about now, it's what I'm doing after bear college.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, I mentioned it in THIS blog post.), I am planning to take a year off of school, then go back for the 2017-2018 year, where I will major in education.  I would love to be a teacher, but even more than that, I would love to be a daycare worker, or even a nanny.  So I have had my major in place for about two years, give or take.
Recently, my minor was finally decided.  And it will beeeee.... BUSINESS.
Why business?  As most of you also know, I hate math, and will probably never open a big huge business.  However....  I plan to work until I have children, but after that, I don't want my child to go to daycare, especially not when they're a baby, so, in order to stay with my child and be sure I know what kind of treatment they are receiving, I want to open my own home daycare, so I can take care of my child(ren), and still have a bit of income.
Also, even if I don't have children, a business degree ensures that I am allowed by law to teach business classes!
So...there you have it.  A rant, a mini-rant, and a revelation.
Tune in next time to...well...see/here whatever comes to mind!
~Katie