Let's Get Personal

**WARNING** This may be triggering for anyone who deals with depression, suicidal thoughts, and/or self-harm issues.  Please read at your own discretion and if it becomes triggering, please do not continue reading.  I do not want to be the cause of someone's relapse.


Now that that's out of the way.
Wednesday night, we were reading in Romans 12 and he picked out verse three.  "For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith."
He took this verse and said that in today's age, it's all about, "think good about yourself!" but that he believes people should have an accurate self image, which, yeah, they should!  But that lead to talking about depression.
He said that if a person is struggling with depression, it is usually because they aren't focusing on God, on Jesus, but on themselves.  That was a slap in the face.  A knife in the gut.  To hear a person that I trust and respect say something like that.  Because that is just not true.  Maybe in some cases, but not the 99% of depression cases that he went on to say, after I said I disagreed.
But, the more I thought later, the more I realized, "He's just never dealt with depression."  Yeah, sure, everyone's been depressed.  But what kind of depression?  The "Oh, my boyfriend broke up with me" depression that lasts a few weeks?  The "Yikes, we don't have enough money for ____" depression that lasts until you get your bills covered?  Or the, "I have no idea why, but I feel worthless and alone, like no one really cares" depression that lasts for months...for years.
That last depression...what even causes that, really?  I don't know.  But I've lived with it pretty much my whole life, hitting really hard when I was around 11-12ish.  By my youth pastor's saying, I just quit focusing on God and was focusing only on myself.  But that doesn't even make sense!  I was reading my Bible every night.  I was involved in AWANA.  I went to church every Sunday, morning and night!  I was focusing on God.
I remember the first time I was depressed all day, and not just for a little bit.  I was around twelve and all day long, nothing mattered.  I didn't know why.  I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what, or what to call it.  But nothing mattered.  It didn't matter what I did, I didn't matter, just nothing mattered.  All.  Day.  Long.  I felt that way the entire day.  I felt like God had abandoned me.  And that was just one day!  The only reason I had to believe that God hadn't abandoned me was Hebrews 13:5.  "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."  Didn't make my depression go away....
It only disappeared if I was really busy.  That's the only time it really left for any amount of time.  I was at youth camp and for the most part I was okay, except for one night.  And that was the year I was thirteen.  The rest of the years I've went, it's happened a whole lot more.
With my depression, my anxiety, which I've dealt with a lot more severely, although I also didn't know what to call it got worse.  If you put those two together, you have basically a very poisonous mixture and it is inside you.  You have yourself feeling worthless, like nothing matters, like you don't matter, it doesn't matter what you do it just doesn't matter.  Then, on top of that, you have a little voice inside you, whispering to you, telling you "Don't tell anyone!  They won't believe you!  They won't care!  They'll just hurt you!"  You have nowhere to go.  No one to turn to.  That's what your own mind is telling you.  Every.  Single.  Day.
I tried to ask my family for help once.  I think I was around fourteen.  I posted a blog post on our family blog (closed, so don't even try to look for it), telling how I felt, all but begging for help.  Wanna know the response I got?  My aunt told me it was just teenage hormones (because they make you go from perfectly fine to begging God to kill you, right?).  My grandma told me to just trust Jesus.  I wanted to scream, "Can't you tell I'm trying?!"  But I didn't.  But ever since then, I have never, and will never, go to them for help or support.
I'm eighteen now.  I have had depression living in me trying to control me strongly for six years.  I've had anxiety that strong for about as long.  But when I look back, I was depressed and anxious even when I was little.
When I was 6-7, I was at a church dinner, holding my doll and watching the boys play basketball from between two trees that were great to lean between.  My pastor's wife asked me if she could take my picture, because apparently I looked cute and I said sure, because why not.  It was a black and white picture and she gave it to my grandparents who still have it.  Do you wanna know why I was there?  It because I was anxious.  I wanted to ask if I could play basketball with them (I had no idea how, and still have no idea how), but I was scared.
I fight almost every day with my anxiety.  Thankfully my depression occasionally takes a respite...but it always, always comes back and while it's gone, if it's been gone for a long time, I get scared that it's coming back soon.
It's not because I'm not trusting or focusing on God.  If you want to know the truth, he's on my mind quite a lot.  Half the time, I have to coach myself through things and pray for help for things that are easy for other people.  Like...going up to someone and asking if I can sit by them.  Or having someone sit by me.  Or deal while people are making weird, repetitive, annoying noises.  Or even just having a car drive by me while I'm on my rollerblades!
This isn't a situational thing!  Yeah, it gets way worse through situations sometimes, but this, for me, is not a situational thing!  This isn't because I'm not trusting God, or focusing on Him!  I don't know why this is!
No, I can't fault my youth pastor for not understanding something that he doesn't live with, or that he hasn't dealt with.  But I can post about what I go through, and maybe it will help others understand.  And just so you know, I have written a letter to give to my youth pastor tomorrow, that has some of this and a few other things in it, so that maybe it will help him understand what "depression" means to someone who lives with it daily.
~Katie

Letter to My Cousins

Dear Norma, Justin, Jaylee, Reilly, Adam, Jade, Lyric, and Skylar,
Some of you won't need part of this letter for a long time and some of you won't need part of this letter ever.  Some of you may not understand this letter until you're older, but that is okay.
First off...I love you.  I'm an awkward, strange human, and I'm scared of losing you, so sometimes I push you away, and for that, I'm sorry.
Second off...please listen to this, and actually listen, because maybe if someone had told me something like this and I had listened, then I would have saved myself a ton of hurt.
Don't ever date a guy unless you have been his best friend first.  And actually his best friend.  If you started out the friendship kind of liking him, don't date him, because it most likely will not last.  Also, never ever let a guy push you at all!  In any way, shape or form.  And if he does start to push you, dump his sorry butt, because he most likely will not change.
If a guy ever wants to keep your relationship secret, don't date him, because either he isn't allowed to date, or it's a tactic that abusive people use, where they isolate you from your friends.  Besides, if we're being honest, sometimes it's really nice to talk to your friends about your boyfriend sometimes.
If you are ever depressed (extremely sad, angry at yourself, especially with no apparent reason), anxious (extremely worried, for no real reason), or are even really happy about a random thing...it's okay to talk to me about that.  In fact, I'd love for you to talk to me about it, because then I can do my best to help you.
If you ever feel like you don't matter or that you aren't worth anything, listen to me now: YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH!  You are worth a ton to me and you are worth even more to God.  If you ever feel like no one really loves you, come talk to me and I will do everything in my power to make sure you know I love you.
If anyone is ever hurting you or someone you love, come talk to me!  If I can't help get you and/or them out of the place that's making them hurt, I will at least try.
If you ever need prayers, ask me.
If you ever need a hug, my arms are open.
If you ever need food, come on over.  No promises that we'll have food you like, but we'll have food.
If you've just found an awesome new song (even if it's several years old) and you want to share it, send me a link!
If you ever have a secret, you can tell me and I won't spill it.  The only way I would spill your secret is if it would hurt you or someone else.
Please, please, please know that I love you.  I love you a ton and I want to make sure you're safe and happy.
Love,
Your cousin, Katie.