The Cave

TRIGGER WARNING: deals with depression and anxiety.

Having depression is like taking a long walk through a cave, and you don't have the map, you don't know where you're going or where the end is, and while you may have a vague idea how you got into the cave, you definitely don't know how to go back to the entrance and leave that way.  And if you do know how to get back to the entrance, a lot of the time, it's blocked and you still can't get out.
Most of the time you're alone, because not everyone goes walking in a cave.  Sometimes you may have a friend on the other side of the wall, but neither one of you can pass through the wall, or even if there's an opening to get to them, you may not realize they're there, or they may not realize you're there.
Your friends and family call you sometimes, but they don't always realize that you're lost in a cave, because you're so good at acting like you're perfectly fine, and know exactly where you are.  When they do know you're in the cave, sometimes they say things like, "Well, just get out of the cave, silly!" or, "You do have a choice whether you're in the cave or not, you know."  Sometimes they manage to be really helpful, and say things like, "I understand that you can't get out...if there's a way I can help you get out, let me know."
Sometimes the helpful friends and family can do things like read you written instructions for a map, or even send you a picture of part of the map, so you at least have a better idea of where you're going, and you don't hit so many dead ends.  Sometimes, if they can find a hole in the roof of the cave, that isn't quite big enough for anyone to fit through, they can still drop you nice things, like chocolate, to make you feel better.  They can talk to you, so you don't feel so alone.
But, eventually, your friends and family have to do their own things, so they hang up.  Or you come across a dead spot in the cave, and the call drops, and you can't send texts.  Sometimes you're so scared of never getting out of the cave that you don't even answer calls, because you think it would be better if your friends and family forgot you and learned to live without you before you die in the cave...or because you're scared of them leaving you, so you do the leaving first.
Remember how you're alone?  Well, sometimes you aren't.  Sometimes you have a little friend that joins you.  Anxiety.  You'd think that having company would make your journey easier, but when your company is Anxiety, you would much rather be alone.
He insists on riding on your back, instead of walking, because when he's on your back, he's closer to whisper in your ear things like, "You're an idiot.  It's your fault you're in this cave.  Your family hates you.  Your friends don't really like you.  Your boyfriend/girlfriend is going to break up with you.  The reason why your cat doesn't like to cuddle is because it hates you too.  If you say that people are going to think you're stupid, even if you're just sending it over a text.  If you tell your family that you're lost in a cave, they're going to hate you even more.  You'd better not touch that, because it might hurt you.  Remember that thing you did forever ago?  No?  Well, I do, and I'm going to remind you, so you can feel bad about it all over again.  Are you really so sure your friend forgave you all those years ago?  There's a person behind you and they want to kidnap you and rape you and kill you."
Sometimes, when you're really lucky, there's a big hole in the roof of the cave, and you can actually see light, and you're reminded that there's a world beyond your cave, and that you can get there, even if you can't get there now, because the walls are too steep!  And sometimes, when you're even more lucky, Anxiety drops off of your back and runs to hide in the shadows until later, but other times he stays and whispers things, casting clouds over the joy of the sunlight.
Then...at various points through your journey through the cave, there are stops.  At these stops, there's a forked road.  One of them, you know will kill you.  And...sometimes...you can't remember what the light looks like...how the sun feels...all you can think about is ending your pain.  Or sometimes...you honestly think your family and friends would be better off without you.  You drag them down.  You're always going to them with your problems, and you don't want to burden them.  Oh, how you long to take the path of death.  The path of relief.
But you don't.
You don't.
For whatever reason, you don't.
You think of your cat.  Who will feed him?
You think of your family.  What if they do need you?
You think of your friends.  What if they need you too?
You think of noble things.
Or maybe...maybe you just get scared.
But whatever the reason, you don't let yourself die.
You continue your miserable journey.
And see, the thing is...no one can just...pull you out of the cave.  You have to find the exit yourself.  Of course, phone calls from friends and family may help.  Even meds may help.  Praying may help.  But...you're still in the cave, even if there's a hole in the roof.
And sometimes...even if you do manage to find your way out of the cave for a bit, and walk and talk with your friends and family...and...well...actually enjoy yourself...the cave has a way of sneaking up on you, as if it's a living creature, and swallowing you down, even if you fight.
And...Anxiety doesn't always leave when you come out of the cave...in fact, Anxiety might cling to you for longer than you ever spent in the cave!  I mean...Anxiety hangs out with me more than I'm in the cave, so he could do that to you too.
But, even while you're in that cave, there's something that you need to remember...or at least try your hardest, because I know first-hand that it's really hard to remember this: There IS someone who loves you, and there ARE people who care, and even though it's hard and miserable and you may never truly leave that cave, you WILL be okay.
~Katie