My...Testimony?

"My Testimony" feels like such a...generic title...so I didn't really want to use it, but...well...as you can see, I did.  If you're wondering...I guess this will pretty much be telling about my journey to/through salvation.
I grew up in a single parent Christian home, with a mother that worked her butt off to make sure I had everything I needed, and a good deal of what I wanted (I still don't have a giraffe, but that's okay, I'm not dead yet).  I've been going to church since before I was born, and don't know a time when I didn't know the name "Jesus", and not as a cuss word.
When I was little, I knew that you were supposed to ask Jesus into your heart, so when I was probably about three or four, I knelt down at my little toy box and prayed that God would save me, and as far as I was concerned, that was that.
Since I was homeschooled, reading my Bible was part of my curriculum, but I didn't really pray a lot, unless I needed something.  I'm not sure that I was really old enough to understand the gravity of salvation, and had only prayed at my toy box because that's what I knew I was supposed to do.
The denomination that I grew up attending is a very legalistic denomination.  Women are expected to wear skirts below their knees, their hair up in a bun, or other similar updo, the legs should always be covered, even if it's only by panty-hose.  No make up.  No jewelry.  Sleeves below the elbows are best.  Closed toe shoes are also the best.
Granted, some of the best people and the greatest prayer warriors I know come from that denomination, yet at the same time, some of the worst "Christians" I've ever met have come from that denomination.  I've been witness to several of them bashing Pokemon, without actually learning anything about it, outside of what articles they find that already coincide with their own thinking (totally other rant).  I've also been given dirty looks just for wearing my TARDIS dress...so....  However, like I said before, also some of the best people I've ever met have attended churches in that denomination.
When I was younger, I was pretty strong in my faith, I think.  I wasn't always doubting.  But the older I got, the more I questioned, which, I suppose is natural enough.
As I've mentioned before, my dad has never been around, and I honestly doubt that he wanted or loved me a lot of the time.  I could be wrong, but...who knows.  If my earthly father wasn't around and didn't want or love me, why on earth would my HEAVENLY father, who knows better want or love me?
I am a bit of a people pleaser.  I like to make people happy.  I hate it when people are mad or upset with me.  As such, I'm always worried about whether or not people are mad at me, and yes, I've often been terrified of not being good enough for God, despite this being a salvation through faith, rather than works.  I knew that works went along with faith, and I was always worried I wasn't doing enough.
I believe it was...two...Christmases ago, one of my uncles had somehow found some people on YouTube, who came up with reasons why modern Christians should be following the Old Testament laws as well.  That was the catalyst.
I struggled enough before.  How could I do anything now?  I was overwhelmed.  I didn't know all the laws...I still don't.  I love bacon!  Which, I mean, of course, bacon is nothing compared to the grand scheme of things...but...still...bacon.  Of course, that wasn't the biggest thing, it was just...I was paralyzed.  Spiritually paralyzed.
I struggled between trying hard to follow the Old Testament laws, and just giving up.  Then roughly a year later...I say roughly, because I honestly can't remember...I got a boyfriend.  That's great, right?  Not really.  It became an abusive relationship, and while I knew that God wanted us to break up, and I knew I needed out, but again, I felt paralyzed, and I had no idea how to get out...I just didn't.
I didn't read my Bible on a regular basis (and was only able to get back into it because of Bible reading plans on my Bible app), I rarely prayed...I just...I didn't know anymore.
I was also going to a Christian school at the time, and it wasn't good for me.  I was working at the daycare just down the street, and my hours had been cut to oblivion after the director I first started working under retired.  I went from working from out of school to close every night to working one night...if I were lucky.
One day I just...I guess I just knew.  I had given up and there was no point in trying.  I think it was around April.  I couldn't go to anyone for help.  I didn't even know how to formulate what was wrong and put it into words.
Sometime during that, I also felt like it was okay to leave that school.  Because of issues with administration Doug, my stepdad, had been trying to get me to quit and go to the public school down the street for half of forever, but each time I felt like I needed to stay.  So I stayed.  But I felt like I could leave now, and be okay.  So I did.
Of course, like I mentioned in previous blog posts, the principal kept trying to get me to stay...and boy am I glad I didn't.  He told me that he wanted me to graduate from the right school...and I'm very glad that he felt that way, and I'm sure he prayed that I would graduate from the right school (thinking it was his, undoubtably) and I can tell you now...I DID!!!
Then my boyfriend broke up with me right before a church camp we were both going to.  I went until Thursday night without breaking down and crying...but then I just broke down.  Jacob was and is what held me together during that entire thing.
This entire time, I didn't feel like God would want me back or love me or anything like that, but I did try some.  I kind of read the Bible every once in awhile, not as regularly (every night) as I once had...but...still.  I remember going to camp meeting and being so angry when someone told about Aaron and...someone else holding up Moses' arms when he couldn't anymore...because the times when I cried out for help against my depression I was always met with a blow off answer "Just trust Jesus", and I felt like no one was actually going to do something to help me.
August 6, 2015--Thursday
Exodus 17:8-13.  These people physically aided their comrade."
I wrote that very angrily.
I was scared and nervous to start at my new school, because I didn't know anyone.  In art class, there was a boy named Alex.  I was drawn to him and initially thought I might have a crush on him, because you know, when you're drawn to someone, that's usually why.
He was quiet, but seemed kind.  One day during a free period during choir, Alex, a guy named Dakota, and myself were talking about churches, and Alex mentioned where he went to church.  My family and I had tried to go once, but no one was there, and I told him that.  He couldn't figure out why, but oh well.
Then came the musical.  Oh, I loved that musical...I still love it, to be honest with you.  Kinda miss it....  Alex was playing in the band pit...and it was near the last weeks of practicing.  I was really irritated, because practice was on a Sunday, and on Sunday nights we nearly always went to my grandparents'...I had put down on the conflicts sheet that I couldn't do practice on Sundays, and here we were having a practice on Sundays.
Mom and Doug had gone to one church that had church on Sunday night, and once practice was over, I thought, "Hmm, I could go to Alex's church."  So I went.  I had a longer conversation with his dad that night, than I had had with Alex the entire time I had classes with him.  Alex and I have since had longer conversations, including some where I have thrown things at him (he deserved it).
I liked the people there, so as soon as the musical was over, I started going to their church on Wednesday nights.  The longer I went, the more I wanted to start going on Sundays too...but I felt held back by the other church I'd been attending with my family.  But we wound up switching churches, and they went to one church and I now go to this church, and have been for almost a year now.
In Wednesday church one night, a question was asked about if you died right now, would you go to heaven, and Josh (the leader) looked at me and asked and I looked him point blank in the eye and said, "I don't know."  He was shocked, because, as he says, I know my Bible well.  Which, I don't know it perfectly or anything, but I do have an odd memory for little tidbits of things, which makes debates and arguments quite nice.
I don't remember quite what all transpired, but we talked a lot, and Josh asked me to come over to his house to talk with him and his wife, and I kind of got hung up on the whole baptism thing.  I covered a lot of that in my post about my baptism.  The church I had attended when I was young didn't do baptism...or communion.
I decided to get baptized.  And...well, you can find all that here.
And...I don't know...some people say that you don't have to be baptized to be saved...and maybe you don't, I guess that that's something you'll have to work out yourself with fear and trembling, but I've never felt so confident in my salvation than I have the past six months.
Doug's even said that he's noticed a change in me in the past six months.  I mean, I'm still me...and I guess that's something that I and others need to realize.  You change...but you don't change.  You still have the same interests...you're just more aware of when your interests don't align with God's...and you can like what you liked before you were saved...but still be a Christian (with some exceptions).
And I'm sure I've mentioned before about actually understanding God's love more now, in my relationship with Jacob.  We have the most intimate relationship I have ever been in...even in my friendships.  I hold very very little back from him.  I can talk about anything with him.
Ever since camp meeting this August...I guess this month...I've kind of felt like I should share my testimony on my blog, so here it is, in its...novel like...glory?
Seriously, if you guys keep up with my insanely long blog posts, you're awesome.
~Katie