The Quest for a Career

Well...I've been kind of busy this week!  Near the end of last week, I made a schedule for myself, telling me which room to clean, which days to wash windows (which I need to start doing), which days to sweep, etc, etc...also which day to blog.  I need to blog more often and I figured having a set day to do so (and having it written down) might help me a bit!
I've been doing art a lot lately.  Both makeup art, and digital art (as well as paper written art, although I have no scanner, so can't share it...sorry!).

First off, this lovely lady is UnnamedLegend (Emily) from Flight Rising.  She's one of my dragons, and I did what I believe is called a "gjinka" of her.  (when you draw an animal as a human)

This isn't art, but Poro was so adorable that I just had to share him.  I had been gone for several days and he missed me, so he crawled up on my comfy chair and hugged my foot.

Black and white version of my makeup.  Not quite as pretty, but still pretty enough

I thought I had more pictures of my makeup, but apparently not.  I really want to get really good at my makeup, so I can do those fancy makeup designs that other people do.  I have a really good idea for a gargoyle look.

Meet Volt.  Volt is a dragon (duh).  This species of dragon is called a "spiral" dragon.  They are...well...basically noodles, which is why people call them noodles!  One of the things they're said to do when they get bored is...well...tie themselves into knots.  That's him tied into a knot.

This is Volt himself.  If you click on him, it'll take you straight to his page!  And if you scroll down, you can even read the lore I wrote for him!

So...other things I've been up to?  Why has this week been busy?  Well, yesterday, I woke up, and I had a missed call from a number that I didn't recognize.  I googled it and it was from Wichita.  I was hesitant, but I called, because I've been sticking out job applications left and right, and, lo and behold, the person calling works for a company out of Wichita, but were in a town just thirty minutes away.  And...he wanted me to come in for a job interview at 2:45!

I panicked (sort of), and quickly cleaned myself up, got dressed, made sure I was all dressy and stuff, almost as if it was for church.  But not quite.  I actually can't remember what I wore right now.  Oh.  I remember my shirt.  But I can't remember my skirt.  This is gonna bother me now.

Anyway, I showed up for the interview and I think it went well.  I was told that I would know by today or tomorrow.

BUT

Today I woke up, and almost immediately I got a phone call from, again, a number I didn't recognize.  Turns out, it was the Casey's just two blocks down.  They wanted me to come in for a job interview at 11:15.  So, again, I hurriedly got all nicely dressed and went in for an interview.

We're in the back room, doing the interview.  She's asking me the standard interview questions (oh my goodness, so many, and they're so confusing...like, one wrong answer, or the right answer phrased wrong and yikes).  I was kind of caught of guard when she asked me why she should hire me over everyone else.  I suppose this would be a good place to use the phrase, "a pregnant pause".  I'm pretty sure my entire face just went blank.

I always have problems with job interviews and questions about yourself.  I mean...there is a fine line between selling yourself and...um...selling yourself, if you know what I mean.  I mean, honestly, you want them to think you know your strengths, but you don't want them to think that you think you're the only one in the world with your strengths in that magnitude.

Anyway.  A nice job interview.  She told me that she'd call me later today to let me know.

Roughly an hour ago, I got a phone call.  It was the lady from Casey's.

And guess what.

The blog you are now reading, is officially run by a Casey's employee!

I go in tomorrow for training.  I'm so excited!  Nah, not my favorite job in the world, because it's not daycare or teaching, or something with little people, but I know I'll like it better than fast food.  I've been praying for a decent paying job that I'll enjoy.  Considering that the babysitting jobs God's given me have been enjoyable, I doubt he'll fail me on the enjoyable part now.

So.

Signing off from a small town in Kansas...your newest Casey's employee!

~Katie

Rant and "Revelation"

Hi!  Okay, so I have a rant and a revelation, hence the title of this post.  I've gotten much better at naming posts since I had my first blog at 11-12ish...much, much, MUCH better.  Even since I first had this blog.  No, seriously, go look at old blog post names....
Well, to start with...I'm going to rant, that way you have a maybe treat at the end of this.  And this rant may leak into SEVERAL rants.
First off.  What's wrong with Pokemon Go?  I see so many people posting about how people playing Pokemon Go need to "Go" out and get a job.  I also know several people who play Pokemon go who DO have jobs and DO separate their Pokemon life from their Work life AND their personal life.
Also, I'm not aware if this is common knowledge, but people have been playing video games since...at least the 80s, I believe...and to my knowledge this is one of the few video games that require a person to leave their house to get far in it.  MOST video games, you have to PAY money to get far in it.
For those of you who don't know, Pokemon Go is a Pokemon game made by Niantic (not Nintendo), that requires you to leave your house to catch Pokemon, rather than travel in-game, but not in real-life, you travel in real-life to travel in-game.
There are places called Pokestops, and you have to go to them to pick up Pokeballs, and other things (I don't fully understand), and also Pokegyms, which I don't really understand either.  I've never actually played a Pokemon game other than Pokemon Showdown, although I would like to.  A lot of these Pokestops and gyms are at churches...which...yes...means people are going to those churches!  In fact, a lot of churches have been using this as outreach.
There are also people that I've seen on my friendslist on Facebook inviting others to go on road trips to different towns with them, to look for Pokemon!  I mean, that's great!  Actually getting out and about!  Spending time with people!  Talking about something (even if all it is is Pokemon, that's SOMETHING)!
From talking to one of my friends who plays the game, she struggles with depression and anxiety, and this has been great for her!  Yes, she still struggles with depression, but she said that it's lifted her overall mood, and I know she isn't alone.
For a person who may struggle with social anxiety, and talking with others, especially strangers, this is fantastic.  You see another person playing Pokemon Go?  You actually have something to talk about, rather than struggling through small talk.  It's like seeing someone read your favorite book, or wearing a shirt from a TV show or movie you like...you might say something to them, when you never would have spoken to them before.
But I still see people posting things about how people playing Pokemon Go, especially adults that play, should stop playing the video games, and go get a job.  I don't see people doing that with Candy Crush, or Minecraft, or Undertale, or League of Legends, or really any game...other than, oddly enough, the game that has people actually doing something.  And that frustrates me!
Okay.  Now that was the rant.  Time for a mini rant and the revelation.
Marriage and college.  I often hear people saying not to rush into marriage, but if you decide to take a year off of college, you are rarely encouraged, but rather told that you should go immediately into college!  Even if you don't know what you want to major in, or minor in, and really just want to take a year or two off, work a bit, then go back.  What's up with that?  I mean, neither should be taken lightly, but why rush someone into college when they aren't ready, while discouraging someone from marriage when they are ready, or when they haven't even said they're getting married super soon?
Okay, mini rant over.
I've figured out my minor!  As most of you know (this isn't bear college I'm talking about now, it's what I'm doing after bear college.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, I mentioned it in THIS blog post.), I am planning to take a year off of school, then go back for the 2017-2018 year, where I will major in education.  I would love to be a teacher, but even more than that, I would love to be a daycare worker, or even a nanny.  So I have had my major in place for about two years, give or take.
Recently, my minor was finally decided.  And it will beeeee.... BUSINESS.
Why business?  As most of you also know, I hate math, and will probably never open a big huge business.  However....  I plan to work until I have children, but after that, I don't want my child to go to daycare, especially not when they're a baby, so, in order to stay with my child and be sure I know what kind of treatment they are receiving, I want to open my own home daycare, so I can take care of my child(ren), and still have a bit of income.
Also, even if I don't have children, a business degree ensures that I am allowed by law to teach business classes!
So...there you have it.  A rant, a mini-rant, and a revelation.
Tune in next time to...well...see/here whatever comes to mind!
~Katie

How Highly are Women Valued in the Bible?

¡¡¡ATTENTION!!! If YOU are a virtuous woman, the Bible values you ABOVE wisdom! Yeah, you heard me right! By the Bible, YOU are more valuable than WISDOM.

Job 28:18**

"No mention shall be made of coral, or of pearls: for the price of wisdom is above rubies." Now that prices rubies pretty highly.

Proverbs 31:10

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies."

Okay...rubies again? What's with the price of rubies in the Bible?

WAIT.

Read Proverbs 31:10 again.

FAR above rubies.

Wisdom is only priced above rubies. Virtuous women on the other hand...FAR above rubies.

BAM virtuous women are more important than wisdom.

**All scriptures are KJV

~Katie

My Dear Molester

**NOTICE** This may be triggering for some to read.  This is written in honor of my (sadly) many friends who have been molested.  Both male and female.  I have tried to get into their heads, from what they have told me and other research I've done, and this...this is the result.

My dear (not dear) molester,
What you did to me changed my life forever.  I was only 2.  I was only 5.  I was only 6.  I was only 7.   I was only 12. I had that glow of innocence in my eyes up until that moment when...you touched me...you showed me your genitals...you touched my genitals...you watched me bathe.
I never realized how terrible your actions were until I was older...what you did scared me right from the start...I was so confused....
I've never understood your actions, Daddy...you're supposed to protect your little girl from men like you.  I never understood why you did it, Dad...I'm your son...you're supposed to be my role model.  I don't know why you did it...you were my best friend...we were the same age.  Were you used too?  Big brother?  I know you were hurt...but why hurt me?  Uncles aren't supposed to do that....
Now, I was the lucky one.  Momma caught you.  But I wasn't so lucky...you still come home for Thanksgiving.  I still see your face every day, but I think I've forgiven you.  You're gone, you've served your time...but I fear the day that I might see your face again.
I remember how you touched me, and where...but what happened before, after, and in the middle...I don't remember....  Just bits and pieces here and there.  After all, you had me in your grasp just a few months...then were gone.  But not me...I lived with you until I was twelve.  Every day, a pawn in your grasp.
You've made me feel dirty.  You've made me feel used.  You've made me feel emasculated...guys can't get raped or molested.  But yet...I was.  You've broken my spirit and damaged my soul...you have crushed my heart and being.  My days are filled with a one word question...one word alone...that word is "why".
I'd like to say that I'm responsible for my actions...but yours have ushered the way for mine.  The way I used my girlfriend, because that's how you've taught me love.  To love her means to dominate, which is the only way I can regain my masculinity.  Me?  I didn't understand my actions, or why I felt this way.  I if I had, I never would have let him use me that way.  I never would have tried to touch my cousin.  I never would have started pornography.
But something I can't help is my emotions and the side effects that come.  Depressed.  Anxious.  I need control...I need someone to be in control.  I cringe when my father tries to hug...because of you.  When my husband tries to kiss my lips, I involuntarily duck my head.  I can't stand intimacy, even in marriage....
I've had more than one molester.  Apparently that's common.  First you, then you, and you, and you.  Together you've crushed my spirit.  I've learned that no is just a word, and there is no weight behind it.  No I would not like that there.  Never mind, it's already there.  No, I wouldn't like a kiss.  Never mind, you missed my words.  No please, no, don't touch me there.  I guess that my no means nothing now.
It's hard to explain why what you've done has hurt me so and still today.  It's kind of hard to explain to someone who has never felt this way that the reason why I still hurt now is because what you've done has broken something like a bone, but instead of being set the way it should, it's healed crooked, and will always ache.
But how have I dealt with what you've done?  My arm is ribbons...I've turned to drugs...I've turned to Jesus...I have support...oh look, I've got an STD, because again, I thought that that guy loved me.  Girl after girl I molest in my grasp, the way you used me when I was young.  But what about me?  I'm a ghost.  I'm dead.  I couldn't handle it, and I didn't live.
So...my dear (not dear) molester...I just wanted you to see...that the things you've done have affected me, more than we either could have seen...and I don't know if you realized what your actions would bring, but I know I made excuses for you.  I know I tried to say you didn't know, I know I tried to say, "Well, it happened to them too."  I have excuses on why it wasn't that bad, and excuses to why it "doesn't hurt", but all of that's a lie.
It hurts.  It stings.  It burns.  I AM PAIN.  Perhaps I'll heal, perhaps I won't...I just wanted you to know...when you used me the way you did, our lives entwined and your actions have changed my life today....
Sincerely,
Your Victim A survivor

"I Didn't, You Shouldn't!"

"I've been through that too...but I didn't react the way you did.  You don't have to react that way."
"That happened to me, but it didn't affect me like that, so it shouldn't affect you like that."
Well, it just so happens that while there are many different things that can happen to many different people, and sometimes two different people may have the exact (or very similar) same thing happen to them.  But...these people are, as mentioned before different, which means that they will most likely have different reactions.
Sometimes a person reacts in a positive way to a terrible thing that happened to them, but another person who may have had the exact same thing happen to them reacts either neutral or negatively.  In some of these cases, the person who reacts positively might ask the person who reacted negatively, "What's wrong with you, this isn't as terrible as you're acting.  I'm fine."  Or the person who reacted negatively might go to the person who reacted positively saying, "Why are you acting so okay?  This isn't okay!  This has devastated me!"
An example (fictional, but so real) is in the book by Sarah Dessen, Just Listen.
This book is about a girl named Annabel who was raped by her best friend's serial rapist boyfriend.  He had a habit of raping or otherwise violating girls, then his girlfriend would get mad and alienate the girl.  Making sure everyone know that the rape victim was an [insert curse word here as I do not use curse words, even in quotes on my blog].
She either didn't know or didn't want to see what her boyfriend was doing.  So, when at the end of the school year, Annabel was raped by him, Annabel became alienated.
The rape devastated Annabel.  She didn't feel like she could or should tell anyone what happened.  She didn't feel like she should tell anyone the "real" reason why Sophie (former friend) wasn't her friend anymore.  The story circulating around school was that Annabel was a [bleep] who slept with Sophie's boyfriend.  She had no friends.
She was scared.  When she saw Will (the boyfriend) she threw up.  Not once.  Twice.  She didn't want to do modeling anymore (A family thing that she'd been doing since before she could walk), but she was also scared to tell her mother.
Near the end of the book, the girl who had taken Annabel's place, a Freshman named Emily, was raped by Will.  Emily wasn't silent.  Was she scared?  Yeah.  But she went to the authorities.  And because of that, Annabel also found the courage to stand up.
The same thing happened to two different girls.  The same thing.  By the same guy.  But they reacted differently.
It's like pouring baking soda over water, and pouring baking soda over vinegar.  The water doesn't react, but the vinegar has an explosive reaction (science fair volcano anyone?).  The same solvent, but a different solute.
Does that mean that everyone should be allowed to react however they want?  If I punch you in the face, is it okay to react by shooting me?  Uh...not exactly.  But in certain circumstances, understand...different people react differently to even the same thing.
For example (drawing from a research paper I did my sophomore year), sometimes when a girl is sexually abused as a child, she completely withdraws from sex and anything sexual altogether...other times, a different girl, even if it was the exact same guy, the exact same type of abuse, will have an extremely high sex drive.
This is just something that's been rattling around in my mind for awhile.
~Katie

The Way to be Saved (Cartoon Jesus)

(Sorry for the weird way it's shown here...I copy pasted it from something I already shared on Facebook)

"Share me." Says cartoon Jesus in the little meme.
"Oh no, keep scrolling, that means you pick me." Cartoon Satan laughs.
Cartoon me is in between them, looking scared. Which should I pick? Is it betraying Jesus not to press the little share button? It's not that hard to do and then, whew, I've told all of my Facebook friends that I pick Jesus!
My Facebook friends have no idea that I pick Jesus if I don't share that. Not even if I just shared my favorite Bible verse two minutes ago, or told everyone that God answered my prayer.
My Facebook friends don't know that I'm a Christian if I don't share that. Not even if I was sitting in church next to them yesterday. Not even if they came to me with a prayer request and I prayed for them.
My Facebook friends haven't the slightest idea that I serve God if I don't share that. Not even if I show them His love.
Or, maybe I'm not a Christian.
My Facebook friends have no idea that I don't pick Jesus, as long as I share that. Not even if I cussed at the slow driver who had no idea where they were. Not even if I go along with bullying that already bullied enough girl.
My Facebook friends don't know that I'm not a Christian if I share that. Not even if just three seconds ago I posted on my Facebook something about how God doesn't exist.
My Facebook friends haven't the slightest idea that I don't serve God, if I share that. Not even if I cheat on my test with no remorse. Not even if I continually talk about people behind their backs.

As long as I share that little cartoon...I'm a Christian. It doesn't matter how I live. It doesn't matter what I do. All I have to do is share that little cartoon.
After all, in the KSV (Katie Standard Version), in Heresy 2:6 it says "Whosoever shareth the cartoon Jesus shall be saved."
And over in the book of Falsehood, chapter nine, it says, "They who share not the cartoon Jesus choose in their hearts, not only cartoon Satan, but the true Satan. These too shall have their place in the Lake of Fire."
And if you go on to the Song of Deception, chapter 6, verse 8, it says, "For God so loved the world that he gave the cartoon Jesus that whosever shareth on Facebook shall not perish, but have everlasting life."
And later on in the chapter, verse 19, Jesus says, "I and cartoon Jesus are one."
So. Obviously the way to be saved and to prove to the world that I am saved is to share this cartoon. And all along, I thought that the way to be saved was to "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ" and to prove to the world that I am saved was to "love one another as [Jesus] loved [me]."

My After High School Plans

If any of you have ever been a high school senior or a high school graduate, I'm sure you've been asked over and over and over and over...and OVER... "So...what are your plans after high school?"  And, "What are you doing next year?"  And, "Have you decided what you're going to be out in the real world?"
Well, for one, calling life after high school the "real world" is ridiculous, but that's for another rant/blog post.  And for two...getting asked those questions over and over and over and over and over and over and--oops, got stuck typing the same thing...gets annoying.
SO!  To answer that question, I have decided to take to my blog.  And if you read my blog...please don't ask me again in person!  I'm begging you!
My plans for after high school:
I will be attending a college in an undisclosed location in order to become a bear.  My major will be in hibernation, with a minor of circus bear.
This college is one of the top bear colleges in the USA and is highly recommended by graduate Smoky Bear, a wildlife preserver, known for his saying, "Remember, only you can prevent wildfires."  They have many classes, ranging from History of Bears, Bears Around the World, Bears in Bible Times, Beary Berry Picking, Salmon Fishing, Salmon Selling...and on and on and on.
Besides classes, they have several different majors.  Hibernation, Fishing, Circus Bear, Bear Fighter, Wildlife Preservation Bear...and the list continues.
I am currently waiting for my paperwork to come back.  I am getting a free ride with the "Most Imaginative Mind" scholarship.
However, if I ever get tired of my chosen major and minor, I may return to a human college, where I plan to major in education.  Most likely elementary and/or special.  I will of course take a music class, because I love music.
My minor is still undecided, but probably not underwater basketweaving.
So, there you have it.  That is my plan for after high school!
~Katie

Let's Get Personal

**WARNING** This may be triggering for anyone who deals with depression, suicidal thoughts, and/or self-harm issues.  Please read at your own discretion and if it becomes triggering, please do not continue reading.  I do not want to be the cause of someone's relapse.


Now that that's out of the way.
Wednesday night, we were reading in Romans 12 and he picked out verse three.  "For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith."
He took this verse and said that in today's age, it's all about, "think good about yourself!" but that he believes people should have an accurate self image, which, yeah, they should!  But that lead to talking about depression.
He said that if a person is struggling with depression, it is usually because they aren't focusing on God, on Jesus, but on themselves.  That was a slap in the face.  A knife in the gut.  To hear a person that I trust and respect say something like that.  Because that is just not true.  Maybe in some cases, but not the 99% of depression cases that he went on to say, after I said I disagreed.
But, the more I thought later, the more I realized, "He's just never dealt with depression."  Yeah, sure, everyone's been depressed.  But what kind of depression?  The "Oh, my boyfriend broke up with me" depression that lasts a few weeks?  The "Yikes, we don't have enough money for ____" depression that lasts until you get your bills covered?  Or the, "I have no idea why, but I feel worthless and alone, like no one really cares" depression that lasts for months...for years.
That last depression...what even causes that, really?  I don't know.  But I've lived with it pretty much my whole life, hitting really hard when I was around 11-12ish.  By my youth pastor's saying, I just quit focusing on God and was focusing only on myself.  But that doesn't even make sense!  I was reading my Bible every night.  I was involved in AWANA.  I went to church every Sunday, morning and night!  I was focusing on God.
I remember the first time I was depressed all day, and not just for a little bit.  I was around twelve and all day long, nothing mattered.  I didn't know why.  I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what, or what to call it.  But nothing mattered.  It didn't matter what I did, I didn't matter, just nothing mattered.  All.  Day.  Long.  I felt that way the entire day.  I felt like God had abandoned me.  And that was just one day!  The only reason I had to believe that God hadn't abandoned me was Hebrews 13:5.  "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."  Didn't make my depression go away....
It only disappeared if I was really busy.  That's the only time it really left for any amount of time.  I was at youth camp and for the most part I was okay, except for one night.  And that was the year I was thirteen.  The rest of the years I've went, it's happened a whole lot more.
With my depression, my anxiety, which I've dealt with a lot more severely, although I also didn't know what to call it got worse.  If you put those two together, you have basically a very poisonous mixture and it is inside you.  You have yourself feeling worthless, like nothing matters, like you don't matter, it doesn't matter what you do it just doesn't matter.  Then, on top of that, you have a little voice inside you, whispering to you, telling you "Don't tell anyone!  They won't believe you!  They won't care!  They'll just hurt you!"  You have nowhere to go.  No one to turn to.  That's what your own mind is telling you.  Every.  Single.  Day.
I tried to ask my family for help once.  I think I was around fourteen.  I posted a blog post on our family blog (closed, so don't even try to look for it), telling how I felt, all but begging for help.  Wanna know the response I got?  My aunt told me it was just teenage hormones (because they make you go from perfectly fine to begging God to kill you, right?).  My grandma told me to just trust Jesus.  I wanted to scream, "Can't you tell I'm trying?!"  But I didn't.  But ever since then, I have never, and will never, go to them for help or support.
I'm eighteen now.  I have had depression living in me trying to control me strongly for six years.  I've had anxiety that strong for about as long.  But when I look back, I was depressed and anxious even when I was little.
When I was 6-7, I was at a church dinner, holding my doll and watching the boys play basketball from between two trees that were great to lean between.  My pastor's wife asked me if she could take my picture, because apparently I looked cute and I said sure, because why not.  It was a black and white picture and she gave it to my grandparents who still have it.  Do you wanna know why I was there?  It because I was anxious.  I wanted to ask if I could play basketball with them (I had no idea how, and still have no idea how), but I was scared.
I fight almost every day with my anxiety.  Thankfully my depression occasionally takes a respite...but it always, always comes back and while it's gone, if it's been gone for a long time, I get scared that it's coming back soon.
It's not because I'm not trusting or focusing on God.  If you want to know the truth, he's on my mind quite a lot.  Half the time, I have to coach myself through things and pray for help for things that are easy for other people.  Like...going up to someone and asking if I can sit by them.  Or having someone sit by me.  Or deal while people are making weird, repetitive, annoying noises.  Or even just having a car drive by me while I'm on my rollerblades!
This isn't a situational thing!  Yeah, it gets way worse through situations sometimes, but this, for me, is not a situational thing!  This isn't because I'm not trusting God, or focusing on Him!  I don't know why this is!
No, I can't fault my youth pastor for not understanding something that he doesn't live with, or that he hasn't dealt with.  But I can post about what I go through, and maybe it will help others understand.  And just so you know, I have written a letter to give to my youth pastor tomorrow, that has some of this and a few other things in it, so that maybe it will help him understand what "depression" means to someone who lives with it daily.
~Katie

Letter to My Cousins

Dear Norma, Justin, Jaylee, Reilly, Adam, Jade, Lyric, and Skylar,
Some of you won't need part of this letter for a long time and some of you won't need part of this letter ever.  Some of you may not understand this letter until you're older, but that is okay.
First off...I love you.  I'm an awkward, strange human, and I'm scared of losing you, so sometimes I push you away, and for that, I'm sorry.
Second off...please listen to this, and actually listen, because maybe if someone had told me something like this and I had listened, then I would have saved myself a ton of hurt.
Don't ever date a guy unless you have been his best friend first.  And actually his best friend.  If you started out the friendship kind of liking him, don't date him, because it most likely will not last.  Also, never ever let a guy push you at all!  In any way, shape or form.  And if he does start to push you, dump his sorry butt, because he most likely will not change.
If a guy ever wants to keep your relationship secret, don't date him, because either he isn't allowed to date, or it's a tactic that abusive people use, where they isolate you from your friends.  Besides, if we're being honest, sometimes it's really nice to talk to your friends about your boyfriend sometimes.
If you are ever depressed (extremely sad, angry at yourself, especially with no apparent reason), anxious (extremely worried, for no real reason), or are even really happy about a random thing...it's okay to talk to me about that.  In fact, I'd love for you to talk to me about it, because then I can do my best to help you.
If you ever feel like you don't matter or that you aren't worth anything, listen to me now: YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH!  You are worth a ton to me and you are worth even more to God.  If you ever feel like no one really loves you, come talk to me and I will do everything in my power to make sure you know I love you.
If anyone is ever hurting you or someone you love, come talk to me!  If I can't help get you and/or them out of the place that's making them hurt, I will at least try.
If you ever need prayers, ask me.
If you ever need a hug, my arms are open.
If you ever need food, come on over.  No promises that we'll have food you like, but we'll have food.
If you've just found an awesome new song (even if it's several years old) and you want to share it, send me a link!
If you ever have a secret, you can tell me and I won't spill it.  The only way I would spill your secret is if it would hurt you or someone else.
Please, please, please know that I love you.  I love you a ton and I want to make sure you're safe and happy.
Love,
Your cousin, Katie.

God's Love

I was going to go to bed, but no, I brushed my teeth, and the mint invigorated me and a thought that's been floating around in my head for forever was finally like, "Katie, you have got to write that like...now...I don't care how late it is, write it.  It'll never come out right if you try to write it later", so here I am.
Let's start at the beginning...like...the very beginning.  My dad.  My dad was barely around when I was little.  He missed visits.  There is documented proof that he missed visits, because there are pictures in the scrapbook of my grandparents taking me to the park, because my dad didn't show up for his visit.  Looking back, I really appreciate them doing that.  Then he died when I was four...so there was no more chance of visits.
There are people who say that children, male or female, who grow up without a father figure, or with an abusive father figure, often project that onto God...which makes sense, as he is our Heavenly Father.  Now I'll go on a bit, before I hit my main point.
I haven't had the best of experiences with males.  Of my exes, only one of them treated me well before, during and after our relationship...the rest were close to abusive, if not abusive, manipulative, or just ignored me during our relationship, because, "there's less to talk about when you're dating."
And now we come to my current boyfriend.  Jacob.  When I went through my last breakup...he was there for me.  If he hadn't been there, I'm not sure I would have ever recovered from the relationship at all.  Not the breakup, because that was the best part of the relationship, but the actual relationship.
Later, when my ex from that breakup got jealous and said that I was trying to steal his friends (our mutual friends that he had introduced me to, Jacob included), they all left.  Except for one.  Jacob stayed.  He was there when I was crying because Tyler wouldn't even message me back.  He was there for me when I was upset because Josh refused to even talk about what was going on.  He stayed.
He's my best friend.  He accepts me the way that I am...strong, weak, brave, scared, weird, normal (I'm not normal, so forget that).  Sure, he makes fun of me...but that's because we're friends and we tease each other.  Yeah, I still glare at him.
How does any of this tie into God's love?
Like I mentioned earlier, people say that how a child views their father is how they view God.  When I was younger, I always thought, "Wow, I'm lucky, I'm not like that!"  But the older I get, the more I realize that is how I view God.  I have to be good...I have to make sure I never make him mad, or disappoint him, because then he might leave me.  He might get tired of me.  He'll view me as something he doesn't want or need.  Why would he need me?  There are plenty of other people in the world.  Hey, I bet some of them are even redheads named Katie!
To protect myself for when I do disappoint him, because I know I will, I close myself off from him and refuse to fully let myself feel his love.  His eternal, unending, everlasting love.  I do that, because if I don't let myself feel it...it won't hurt when he withdraws it.  The human mind is screwed up, just sayin'.
But...when I talk to Jacob...when I annoy him by saying sorry too much, he doesn't leave.  When I forget to text back, he doesn't get mad.  When we disagree, he doesn't abandon me.  When I'm scared  or sad, he supports me.  And do you want to know something?  I don't understand it!  I have no comprehension of the kind of love he shows me.  I'm used to being a temporary part of people's lives...something that they can easily remove if it ever gets too hard to be my friend...or someone who is easy to drift away from.
The more I look at our relationship, and our love, especially his love toward me...the more I look at God and go, "Wait, is this what our relationship is supposed to look like?"  And I can guarantee you, if the Bible is accurate, God loves me a whole lot more than Jacob does!  I've also heard that the romantic relationship between a husband and a wife is supposed to kind of be an analogy of a person's relationship with God and I know that Jacob and I aren't married, but we're the closest I've ever been to marriage.
In my dating, romantic relationship...I'm learning about God's love...by the way my boyfriend loves me.  The way he treats me.  His kindness.  His gentleness.  And even though I sometimes have a hard time accepting my boyfriend's love (just ask him), he's showing me the way God loves me...and I'm learning.  I'm learning to open up to the fullness of, not just Jacob's love, but God's love.  And I will be forever thankful for that.
~Katie

The Fatherless

In church songs I hear, and Bible verses that are quoted, it often instructs the church to care for the widows and the fatherless.  Widows = women whose husbands have died.  Fatherless = Children (male or female) whose fathers have died.  But...sometimes I wonder...do people really care about that?  Do people really understand what that means?
In Bible times, a widow had very few options.  Remarry as quickly as possible, go into prostitution...die...if they hadn't borne a child by their first husband and he had an unmarried brother, they were to marry that brother and attempt to have children by that brother, in honor of her husband.  But the point is, unless a widow had a son to care for her, she was kinda...um...in trouble.  Hence why when Jesus is on the cross, he tells his disciple, John, that Mary is now John's mother.  In other words: TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER BECAUSE SHE'S A WIDOW AND I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!
Now, someone could look at these scriptures and say that because of all the opportunities there are for a widow and her fatherless children, they don't need to help out anymore.  Say what?!  Um...no?  Does the Bible say, "Take care of the widows and fatherless, UNTIL the 20th-21st century"?  Nope.  And they still need cared for.
Do you have any idea how hard it is for a single parent (male or female) to care for children?  Pretty stinkin' hard, just letting you know.
The role of both mother and father is placed on a widow.  She must protect her daughter from dangers and potential boyfriends, teach her how to take care of her changing body, give her food, water, pay for schooling, mother her, and so much more all at once.  While doing this, she also has to pay all of the bills herself.  Did you catch that?  Herself.  AND keep up with housework.  AND keep up with yard work.  Sounds like a pretty heavy load.
As a girl who is half fatherless (I say half, because Doug isn't my dad, but he's not not my dad, and I know full well what it feels like to grow up in a home without a father), I can tell you, it's not easy for the mother OR the daughter.  Especially when at times it seems like members of the church care less about helping, and more about telling someone how to run their life.
I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but my mom homeschooled me.  She also worked as a bus driver.  Do you know why?  So that she could have an active part in my life, instead of shipping me off to schools and babysitters, where she would get to see me maybe an hour a day during the week!
But she also had to keep up with housework and yard work.  Something many of you may not know about my mom is that she is allergic to grass.  Which means mowing is hard to impossible for her to do and remain healthy.  That means that it fell on me, because most of the time when she'd ask someone for help, they would say that she could do it, or that I could do it.  And yeah, I could do it fine...until one day I tried to mow and I couldn't breathe.  Turns out I've inherited my mom's grass issues.
My momma worked her tail off.  And I don't think I helped as much as I probably could have and should have.
The thing is...these same church members who didn't seem to care (they may have, it just didn't seem that way), like us a whole lot better now that we have Doug....  So now that they aren't obligated by the Bible to care for us, they like us better.  And I just don't get that.
Sometimes, all it takes to help is maybe just coming over and helping clean up, or offering to mow the lawn, or even just talking and being a listening ear can help.  I know that there was a family my mom and I visited a lot, and they couldn't help much, but that was my mom's listening ear.
To those of you who are widows/fatherless YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  And if you need anything, I will do my best to help.  To those of you who have the abilities to help those who ARE widows and fatherless...get up off your butt and actually help them, instead of coming up with excuses as to why they can help themselves.
This rant is over.
~Katie

Modern Education

Let me take this moment to just say that our modern education system is messed up.  Seriously!  I saw a video on Facebook of this girl crying because of school and saying she just wanted to give up and be a stripper.  I don't know, maybe she made that video for laughs, but there are other students who feel the exact same way she at least pretended to feel.
I don't like school.  That may be a shock to some people, but it's true.  I don't like school.  I like learning.  I hate when people think that learning and school are the same thing.  They so aren't.  I love learning, actually.  I tolerate school, because right now, that's the best place for me to go to learn things.
But so much weighs upon a person, especially a high school student, while they're at school.  Students are pressured to make good grades, so they can go to a good college, so they can get a good degree and get a good job.  College is pushed so hard that it could turn someone off to the idea of college.
But then you also have students who work.  There's a student at my school, who lives alone and supports himself.  While also being the right hand man of the FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) sponsor.  He's tired a lot.  Why?  Because he's feeding himself, clothing himself, keeping his apartment paid for and still working to get good grades so he can go to college and go into a career with Google someday, by working his way up.  After Google, he plans to go into politics.
There are students that are involved in sports and music and plays half of the clubs at the school, because those are the things they enjoy, but they also have to keep up with their grades.
And school itself isn't a bad thing, but what is is all the classes that students are required to take.  A student only gets to choose three electives.  Three.  That's three things that they personally want to learn about and that they personally can choose to learn about.
Is an advanced Algebra class, for someone who barely understands Algebra1, who wants to be an English teacher really needed for them and their career?  Stop telling students, "Oh, you'll need it later in life, no matter your career", without telling them why or in what situation.  We're big kids.  Give us the real reasons.
Is an English class really necessary for a student who plans to go into a computer engineer career?  If so, tell them why, don't just say "because you need it", "because you'll use it in life", "because you need to be well rounded".  Give them a real reason, please!
And the worst part for me is seeing all of the posters up for the state testing.  Posters saying things about unlocking your potential, and doing great...what about the kid that bombs it?  Has that student not reached their true potential, just because they bombed that test?  Has that student...failed?  Failed at life, failed at school, just flat out failed?
No!  Because those tests prove nothing.  They prove how book smart a person is.  They prove how well a person is at tests.  They prove how fast someone can read.  They don't prove that this kid is good at singing, or that even though this kid reads slow, they remember and understand everything they read.  It doesn't say anything about how this kid treats others.  It doesn't tell anyone that this student is really good at computer programing.
Those tests only state...how well you did on that test.
Why not let students learn about things they want to learn about?  Maybe a student does want to take all of those classes.  Maybe a student actually likes working with imaginary numbers.  Maybe there's a student who actually kind of likes picking apart sentences and sentence structure.
Why not give classes on book publishing, video game making, hey, maybe even intro classes for teaching!  I get that it could get kind of expensive.  But at least get the kids where they love to learn.  Because then they can go out with their own initiative and find the things they want to learn about on the internet, with the teacher's guidance if they get stuck or need help.  That's kind of what PBL (Project Based Learning) is.  That's why I like PBL.
I honestly don't think that there are any students who would go ahead and have school, even if school was cancelled.  I read a book once, when I was younger, called The Secret School, by AVI.  It was about this one room school house school that got cancelled because the teacher either died, or got sick or had a death in the family, I don't remember which, and a fourteen year old girl, one of the smartest in the school, took the role as teacher, to ensure that people were still learning.  Because they liked to learn.
I guess...school isn't really the problem, it's just that students don't like learning anymore.  And probably because it's been shoved down their throats that they have to learn and they have to learn this and they have to learn it this way and that if they don't do well with their learning, they're not smart and have failed.
And this has gotten really really long, so I'll just end it now.
~Katie