God's Love

I was going to go to bed, but no, I brushed my teeth, and the mint invigorated me and a thought that's been floating around in my head for forever was finally like, "Katie, you have got to write that like...now...I don't care how late it is, write it.  It'll never come out right if you try to write it later", so here I am.
Let's start at the beginning...like...the very beginning.  My dad.  My dad was barely around when I was little.  He missed visits.  There is documented proof that he missed visits, because there are pictures in the scrapbook of my grandparents taking me to the park, because my dad didn't show up for his visit.  Looking back, I really appreciate them doing that.  Then he died when I was four...so there was no more chance of visits.
There are people who say that children, male or female, who grow up without a father figure, or with an abusive father figure, often project that onto God...which makes sense, as he is our Heavenly Father.  Now I'll go on a bit, before I hit my main point.
I haven't had the best of experiences with males.  Of my exes, only one of them treated me well before, during and after our relationship...the rest were close to abusive, if not abusive, manipulative, or just ignored me during our relationship, because, "there's less to talk about when you're dating."
And now we come to my current boyfriend.  Jacob.  When I went through my last breakup...he was there for me.  If he hadn't been there, I'm not sure I would have ever recovered from the relationship at all.  Not the breakup, because that was the best part of the relationship, but the actual relationship.
Later, when my ex from that breakup got jealous and said that I was trying to steal his friends (our mutual friends that he had introduced me to, Jacob included), they all left.  Except for one.  Jacob stayed.  He was there when I was crying because Tyler wouldn't even message me back.  He was there for me when I was upset because Josh refused to even talk about what was going on.  He stayed.
He's my best friend.  He accepts me the way that I am...strong, weak, brave, scared, weird, normal (I'm not normal, so forget that).  Sure, he makes fun of me...but that's because we're friends and we tease each other.  Yeah, I still glare at him.
How does any of this tie into God's love?
Like I mentioned earlier, people say that how a child views their father is how they view God.  When I was younger, I always thought, "Wow, I'm lucky, I'm not like that!"  But the older I get, the more I realize that is how I view God.  I have to be good...I have to make sure I never make him mad, or disappoint him, because then he might leave me.  He might get tired of me.  He'll view me as something he doesn't want or need.  Why would he need me?  There are plenty of other people in the world.  Hey, I bet some of them are even redheads named Katie!
To protect myself for when I do disappoint him, because I know I will, I close myself off from him and refuse to fully let myself feel his love.  His eternal, unending, everlasting love.  I do that, because if I don't let myself feel it...it won't hurt when he withdraws it.  The human mind is screwed up, just sayin'.
But...when I talk to Jacob...when I annoy him by saying sorry too much, he doesn't leave.  When I forget to text back, he doesn't get mad.  When we disagree, he doesn't abandon me.  When I'm scared  or sad, he supports me.  And do you want to know something?  I don't understand it!  I have no comprehension of the kind of love he shows me.  I'm used to being a temporary part of people's lives...something that they can easily remove if it ever gets too hard to be my friend...or someone who is easy to drift away from.
The more I look at our relationship, and our love, especially his love toward me...the more I look at God and go, "Wait, is this what our relationship is supposed to look like?"  And I can guarantee you, if the Bible is accurate, God loves me a whole lot more than Jacob does!  I've also heard that the romantic relationship between a husband and a wife is supposed to kind of be an analogy of a person's relationship with God and I know that Jacob and I aren't married, but we're the closest I've ever been to marriage.
In my dating, romantic relationship...I'm learning about God's love...by the way my boyfriend loves me.  The way he treats me.  His kindness.  His gentleness.  And even though I sometimes have a hard time accepting my boyfriend's love (just ask him), he's showing me the way God loves me...and I'm learning.  I'm learning to open up to the fullness of, not just Jacob's love, but God's love.  And I will be forever thankful for that.
~Katie